Lived Experience Forum

[ray_of_sunshin3]

My husband and I had decided to spend Christmas at the coast this year to keep things simpler. He sent a message to his mum and brother earlier on inviting them to come up whenever while we’re there. I thought that was fine assuming we’d get a couple of days over the two weeks to ourselves too. 

His mum has decided she’d like to stay the full time. My husband reminded me that we’d told them they could come up whenever. I just never thought she’d decide the full time. I’m feeling very anxious/stressed about her staying so long with us. I’ll be 36 weeks pregnant and we have a toddler so was keen to relax a bit just us. My husbad says he doesn’t care if she’s there the full time as 50% if the time he doesn’t enjoy being around me anyway so what difference will it make. 

Feeling frustrated with the situation and knowing emotionally/mentally it will all be too much. Is this reasonable for me to feel this way?

[TuxedoCat]

Hi there @ray_of_sunshin3 ❤️ This is a very difficult situation and I'm sorry that you're feeling hurt and frustrated. Do you feel like you've been able to communicate your point of view clearly and how important it was for you to get some rest also? 

I thought I'd tag a few of our community guides to see what support they have @Judi9877 @Shaz51 @ShiningStar @maddison ❤️ 

And also, I'm wondering if a call or webchat to the drop-in counselling line might be useful to talk this out a little bit? Especially if you want to figure out how to raise this again?

[hanami]

Aw @ray_of_sunshin3 

I think you're being totally reasonable not wanting her the entire time. I really understand this as when my kids were babies and toddlers I was constantly battling my overbearing mother. If I had have suggested she come to see me whenever, she would have LITERALLY done just that and then overstayed the welcome. She just couldn't read the room! I remember with my fourth baby when I was in hospital she came to see me every single day and then when I was due to be discharged she messaged me and said she would come to my house. I couldn't take it anymore and had to say, no, please don't come. I want to go home to my own little family and settle in. I learned after that I had to get tougher with my words.

It's probably harder when it's an in-law. It's harder to be upfront and honest.

I would try to really stress to your husband that at your stage of pregnancy you desperately need a few days at least without her there for your own sanity. I mean once the baby comes life is going to be pretty full on with a toddler as well! I hope for you that he can understand that. Best of luck with it all.

Sending hugs

Hanami

[wellwellwellnez]

Reasonable as. Interesting response from the hubby. I'm thinking, that's kind of seems like a "male" way of processing things. Also, which 50%? And, does that mean he can spend the other 50% handling his mother? Because that would be convenient for everyone.

I'm also imagining that the mum wants to be there the full time to feel needed or something like that. Which, if true, would perhaps be endearing but also an obstacle.

[maddison]

Hi @ray_of_sunshin3 

Sorry you are having to deal with this. I absolute agree with all the other responses. Your reaction sounds very reasonable. Gosh! A pregnancy & a toddler!

You have lots of support here😊❤️

I am thinking that perhaps you could do with more support than chatting here on the forums?

I like @TuxedoCat suggestion of call or webchat to the drop-in counselling line.

There are also services like beyond blue 1300224636.

In my experience, Physically talking to a counsellor can make a really big difference. It doesn't provide a solution to the big picture, however it helps to unload & realise you are worth the time to be listened to.

I have had mixed experiences. Please don't give up - if the first person you talk to doesn't seem to get it. Many awesome people out there who do get it! & will give you the support you need.

Please continue to reach out here too. Do the best thing for you❤️ Reaching out here, like you did is awesome - well done👍