So I just figured out that my internal narrative isn't "not good enough". It's self hatred - which not good enough stems from.
BPD, highly sensitive, my emotional response is always mis-proportional to what is actually happening, heavy internalisation, dark thoughts.
Started a new job 6 months ago, the place is shit show, thought it was that breaking me, figured out it was a trigger to my fear and anxiety (not doing a good job, getting fired, not finding work for a long time in this cluster duck of an economy that has no signs of recovery).
I have been so consumed by these fears that my chosen person has lost her sense of self trying to provide the strength. In her words, the masculine/feminine dynamic is totally off. It has taken a toll on her.
I recently started listening to I hate myself by Blaise Aguera.
So many people over the years have used the cliche "you can't love anyone else if you don't love yourself."
I just dismiss this as it comes from people who have a far stronger emotional foundation.
It's like taking financial advice from a billionaire who never had to struggle - tell your story walking.
But Aguera put it differently, you can't give something that isn't yours.
If you found $100 and give it to me, it's not yours to give, but if you earnt it and it comes from a place of kindness and care, then it can be accepted.
Hmm still digesting it.
Not sure what to do about this knowledge.
My psych believes that I should start by accepting that I'm smart.
Another tricky one, in my work life, I'm surrounded by smart people. Smarter people than I.
It's like thinking that you are physically fit and walking into a proper bodybuilding gym, small, miniscule, insignificant.
Been spending all my time alone. I can't think of anyone (other than the person who I have taken space from to find strength and return stronger - if she'll take me) to spend time with.
It's saturday where I am, went for a 1.5hr walk, journaled, hit the gym (god that was a struggle), ate, sat outside, cared for my indoor plants, played guitar for around 2 hours, researched and purchased some books and I still feel absolutely fkn alone and scared.
Intellectually, I know that I am in a very good position, financially a rock, great network, amazing friends, the most beautiful 3 year old niece and someone in my life who cares enough for me to have emptied their cup into mine and still create space for me to build my power back - just no idea how the hell to do that.
Emotionally, my mind is isolated and in poverty. WTF right...
I feel like this turned into a rant to a degree. I guess I just I wanted to share, to put the words out there. Maybe someone else gets it.
