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LostAngel
Senior Contributor

Depression/Self Growth/ the need to broaden my Horizons

Hello Everyone might Tag a few of you in this thread @Snowie,@Former-Member anyway to Begin with I have been going through Depression,sleeping alot,sleeping in the mornings quite late,negative thoughts but am ok,but strangely at the same time I can tell that as my Counciller has stated Im going through a self growth phase emotionally,the need I feel is that as much as Ive been very connected to family members,socially and emotionally Ive also at times felt disconnected or as if the need the more hence why Im possible looking into adventurous side of self,Theres alot on my mind lately and of course not all thats on my mind Im talking to family about but most things Ive been vocal or assertive about,Depression is really frustrating but in a weird way the depression seems to be part of my self growth,the need for myself to work through things myself and like Ive said before alot of that stuff I keep to self though I have been in contact with family quite alot this week,in terms of broadening my horizons I mean in terms of relationships Ive found a sense of Comfort with special someone and we continue to talk to each other at least once every couple of days,Ive agrred with him that we will take things slow which was his idea in the first place and I can understand the reasoning behind that,I think Im prioritzing special someone and he is prioritizing me we had our in person talk last week or earlier this week and since then things have smoothed out,I find myself being more considerate of his feelings as he is being considerate of my feelings so hopefully we are building up our respect and mutual trust slowly but surely,I also feel the desire more for him to be my ultimate go to person for advice and comfort more so than my family,dont get me wrong I still love my family but I feel the need to prioritise special someones relationship,weve had quite a few as I call them sweet moments where he does or says something that is just so right and so needed at that point in time,I appreciate him for doing and saying those things and Im trying to recipocate his time,and effort with consideration and responding rather than reacting,in fact Im trying to respond rather than react in general with family relationships as well,whilst still keeping my sense of independance,the depression has caused me in a way to be empathetic of others emotional issues,family issues,Im still part of my family but am moving towards preferring to spend time with special someone by choice and need and priority,those sweet moments of his care and support I really appreciate,Ive noticed that hes starting to share more of his own struggles with me too as Ive already shared some struggles with him,Im lucky hes there and Im glad he knows Im there for him too,this week has been really exhausting in terms of how much Ive been talking and connecting with family its been good but also exhausting I have at times worried this week if theres such a thing as being too connected but maybe its cause I dont ussually talk this much with family in such a short space of time,maybe its all possibly part of me growing and learning as a person,I am having a ballance of alone time or self care time,so maybe things are going the way there supposed to be going all round Im just kind of perplexed by how things are working and how Im working through these times in my mind and my heart,who knows maybe building up one relationship is in turn building my family relationships stronger too,anyway I geuss Im saying theres been emotional positives and negatives this week and during this time and sometimes those positives and negatives have been at the forefront at the same time almost,Im glad I had the talk with special someone at his house,that talk helped to put things in prespective of where the relationship is at and since then our communication has been good,most likely cause we are both communicating more effectively,Im trying to put in more effort with communication more than I used to with special someone but also with family I seem to be putting in more effort with communication,mind you I need some space now in between all that communication,in fact today I listened to a bunch of songs and then fell asleep for 2 hours straight,I feel more secure and peacefull with most of my familys relationships and with special someones relationship,Im glad hes also leaning on me for support when needed,theres a sense of trust and security which helps me to feel less stressed and more relaxed about where things are at slowly and surely.Heart

7 REPLIES 7

Re: Depression/Self Growth/ the need to broaden my Horizons

missing you,needing you,wanting to be with you even though its long since we last saw eachother or messaged each other,hope your thinking of me too,you know special someone your teaching me patience and affection,how affection when its done correctly should be,here I am watching a sad movie and it makes me think about you,I hope we meet again soon special someone thank you for being so giving and caring with your time and affection,please be someone who chooses to stay,I already know that your someone I trust ,your someone I can be myself with,Your someone I like,someone I can count on,hope you can see that you can count on me to be there for you aswell,at first meeting you was unexpected then it was Beautifull though I was Caucious at first,over time you put me at ease,though I may have to prepare myself in case I lose you,deep inside I hope I never lose you,your my equal,I hope you never lose me either,your sweet and right now thinking of you is making me emotional,not in a infatuation way but in a deep way I hope our partenership or whatever this is that where in together stays strong and keeps going forward,I hope our lines of communication continue to build,I hope that any problems we need to work through we continue to support eachother,slow and steady,Most of all I hope to see you soon and that each of of our giving of time and effort and understanding continues,please be the one who stays,youve already given so much,youve already shown much not just in your words but in your actions too,please stay,Im here,standing with youHeartHeart excuse this post everyone Im feeling sentimental about special someone

Re: Depression/Self Growth/ the need to broaden my Horizons

I adore you special someone

Re: Depression/Self Growth/ the need to broaden my Horizons

Sorry I haven't replied earlier @LostAngel I have been away without internet access.

 

Listening hon and sitting with you đź’ś

Re: Depression/Self Growth/ the need to broaden my Horizons

Thank you @Snowie Heart issues between head and heart ,my heart wants me to talk to special someone tonight ,my head however wants me to wait till tomorow,I think that hopefully in the self growth sense I may be in a sweet spot but am acutely aware that this is when I need to be most carefull if that makes sense,I do hope that as I try to work through self growth on my own that by doing so will help other relationships in my life,I have seen positive changes with family relationships ,jus hope it works the same way with special someone as we seem to be slowly building up communication again so I want that momentum to keep going in the right and positive direction,my instincts tell me to keep talking to him about anything and keep listening keep communication moving forward and yet my mind tells me give space ,give space,but I can see that there needs to be a ballance of space for him and myself as individuals and yet I also long to communicate to keep things going in a forward direction ,imprrovement,consistency instead of my usual pulling back and forth ,I have to say for a fact Ive noticed,though I am worried about appearing clingy Ive noticed that each time I have taken the chance to show him a bit more intrest and shown him positive actions to back that up then what tends to happen is that he in turn returns the interest actions and effort that I find very sweet,its about consistency I need to match his effort to show him that I do feel and think that he is my equal ,mind you its hard for me to keep that consistency going cause fear and overthinking sometimes get in the way,although I have to say every time Ive taken a risk with him ,not foolish risks but gradual risks he has prooven himself to be trustworthy and reliable,now its more about risking and continueing to risk being consistent in communication,the intamacy issues hopefully will be resolved if I can communicate effectively with him,and mind you time and again he has listened and reasurred But the gradual lowering of my emotions has to come from me,the work has to come from me,as for depression well Ive slept alot lately,unmotivated to get important things done,Im gonna try tomorow though to make some phone calls and organise some things Ive been putting off for a while lets hope the mechanics will be happy to get my car repaired sooner rather than later as having independant transport again would make a difference,I wanna show special someone that I care as he has been caring,its an interesting time thats for sure as there are a mix of things happening,my need to broaden my horizens both as an individual and as with personal relationship strange how things are somehow all connected thank you @Snowie sorry if this post is so long just needed to type some things out 

Re: Depression/Self Growth/ the need to broaden my Horizons

again excuse me if this post is too long firstly its 1:30am in the morning but again I feel the need to type things out that are on my mind,secondly I am Safe ok thirdly this is whats worrying me I feel like Im again on the cusp of self sabotaging a relationship the relationship with special someone,yes weve had issues from the start but I believe those issues have all stemmed from myself and as my counseller told me its a fear of vulnrability that I have and so Ive self sabotage many other romantic relationships in the same way thankfully this time Im much more self aware about the issue of self sabotage but as I can tend to be a very impulsive person Ive decided to turn off my phone so as to resisit the urge to impulsively say anything that could sabotage the relationship with special someone,Ive had family tell me that I need to build up my self esteem,and Ive realised that there has been a push and pull during my relationship with special someone,he reasures me quite often and yet I have put myself down to him saying that I dont deserve him and all this other stuff negative words Ive used when describing myself,I do sometimes get the sense that hes somewhat frustrated especially during times when hes tried to discuss certain subjects with me and Ive instead avoided him completely or as I call it when I shutdown emotionally with him even though shutting down emotionally is the last thing I want to do,for example the first time we met I was quite slow at letting him in in emotionally and romantically even though we had talked many times by phone and online for weeks before meeting,I geuss my main example is that when hes been eager Ive had a bad habit of shutting down the positives even though I dont want to be shutting down the positives,for another example on our second in person meeting   

Re: Depression/Self Growth/ the need to broaden my Horizons

Type as much as you want @LostAngel 

If it helps to get it out then get out as much as possible.

 

Sometimes keeping it all bottled up inside is not good for us.

Listening hon đź’Śđź’Śđź’Ś

 

Re: Depression/Self Growth/ the need to broaden my Horizons

hi @Snowie  please read new discussion (going places Ive never been) and thank you for your support my friendHeart

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