Lived Experience Forum

[jem80]

@Former-Member

I am deeply concerned by your thought process. Are you having suicidal thoughts?

Lifeline on 131114 might help you.

If you feel that there is nothing to keep you safe would you consider talking to your doctor or perhaps go to hospital to get checked out to see if everything is ok. Alternatively do you have someone close that you can talk to like family or friends?

I understand your frustration in regards to looking for work. It is a draining process and it is practically a full time job in itself.

It sounds like you need to get some reports from a GP and a psychiatrist to help support your case in getting the disability support pension.

There is a complaints phone number for centrelink it's 1800 132 468. Both individuals and health professionals can use this number.

[Mosaic]

Hi @Former-Member sounds like you're really struggling today, feeling really frustrated and completely exhausted with the job hunting process. That's totally understandable, as it can be a very disheartening and arduous process. Echoing what @jem80 said, you can call the Centrelink complaints line if you want to. If youthat if you continue to feel low today I really encourage you to speak to someone. Remember you can call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467 if you need to. Take care of yourself today.

[Former-Member]

Hi

For the record I was responding to the comments made in regard to "suicidal thoughts being selfish".

To me that ignores the emotional pain that person is in.I have been through several years of counselling which in some ways did more harm than good eg:told to change my life,did so and lost a lot more .Can see why people end their life because you realise it's so hopeless.I won't take antidepressants I stopped them last year because my life isn't worth living and taking a stupid pill isn't going to take the reality away..I have battled major depression since beginning of the year ,its the worse it's ever been as well as the hopelessness.I have 90% given up and serious thoughts how much longer I am going to suffer.

Yes I am having a bad day,in bed don't feel like going for my walk.Went out with my mother yesterday,and I am irritable and angry.On my own in a house in bed with lights out,distressed and feeling fearful of my distressed thoughts .No one wants to be like this .I don't have friends or family to talk to and have been through being hell with them.My mother I love but is the most self centered person I have ever known.

Suicide is not selfish if I do it,Im doing it for me,not to hurt anyone else .If I  die tomorrow,I decided a long ago I do not want a service.I have seen what a hypocrisy human nature is,how people can gossip and hurt you and have the nerve to rock up at your funeral! .I have thought this through with great consideration.This is my wish and I hope it is respected,if it's seen as selfish that's not my problem.I am not saying I am going to die now ,I am trying to hang in there like everyone else,but the emotional pain like right now is almost unbearable.I am so tired  of hoping life will get better.I look for work,but where I live there isn't 20 jobs to look for a month.I no longer see the point of putting myself through eg:the shame of walking into a job agency when I know it's hopeless and I know I can't handle the pressure.

There is no allowance for us in the Disability employment services,I don't want to be labeled as "disabled"because I am not physically or intellectually impaired and want it there for those who need it more than me.I have been long term unemployed,and these job agencies are so unaccountable.The Government needs to look at reviewing the framework because people like me are falling through the cracks.I hate when the psychologist mentions the Disability Support Pension because it makes me feel "less than" and I am seriously concerned how "I look in the mirror".

[musha]

I hope you are feeling better today.

You have so many people sending you their positive thoughts and wishes.  Just extract that goodness from them.  Just look at how many people are supporting you on this forum.  Its awesome and you are clearly a wonderful person!

Suicidal ideation is not selfish, it is torture to the person suffering it.  They will say what about your kids and stuff like that and they are right.  Definitely!  I suffer from suicidal ideation and can't get rid of it.  I've decided that it is my job to suffer through this at all costs - thats it !! so when suicidal ideation comes and goes...Im just going to have to suffer it when it comes....just suffer so that my kids will not have to.  The damage is irrepairable to them if suicide of a parent occurs.  Its just the way it is.  

The best advise I've ever had when suicidal - just wait until tomorrow to do it.  Guess what - tomorrow is always better 🙂 

My psychiatrist also said to my partner on what she should do about my suicidality - and he said to her "why would you want to be with someone who is suicidal - he has to work through it if he wants a relationship with you".

I was angry at the psych for saying it - but you know what - its true and he's right.  I want the relationship so I'd better work on it.

Work through it.  Suffer it for your kids.  Take your meds. Reach out to others.  Wait for tomorrow.  If that all fails, life is short anyway.

[Former-Member]

We hope tomorrow is better today isn't for me than yesterday the past four years I have held onto that ideological thought.If you have kids OK but I went thru life not meeting Prince Charming.When you have nothing go right no matter what you do or sacrifices/changes you made its hard to believe a psychologist or mental health nurse etc who at the end of the day is just a well paid smart arse who contrary to the rubbish learned are judgemental and do tell you what to do with your pathetic life.You can wait til tomorrow to do it but for me it's still staring me in the face.

[musha]

You are doing a great job of reaching out for help and there are all these good people supporting you.  I don't think it is any coincidence you are receiving so much support from so many people.  You are worthwhile and worthy of help and that is exactly what you have done - seek help - and look how well you have done with that! 🙂 

When the mental health nurses bring up the kids, thats probably got a lot to do with the judgment of selfishness we get when we talk about suicide.  Personally I hate it too, it makes me angry.  After all, its my choice what to do with my life.

They are right though, the kids can't go through that.  Its not negotiable.  I decided, I can't fix this - the doctors can't fix it - yes it is all bull#it the counsellors preach - so its my job to suffer through it.  Thats it, suffer it and show the kids how that is done no matter how badly I feel about it, loathe myself or want to end it all.  One day they will know about how hard their dad tried to stay alive for them through all the worst mental pain in hell.  Also, every time I suffer it and push through it and feel better at the other side, I momentarily feel good about myself because it worked.  Im still here!

Its probably not good advice but its very real, its not bull#it and it works for me.  There might be some way you can find your own way.  

Also, with kids, what advice would you give your kids if they were suffering like you and you found out?  I like this thought - treat yourself with the same level of kindness, care and love you would do for your children.  

Just on the Disability Pension.  I have been through that and all it took was 2 doctors to say that "the depression was treatment resistant and it was unlikely I'd be able to work again".  Those are the precise words he used.  It took 4 months to get through it and you have to be persistent.  I had a family member help me as I couldn't handle it and maybe it is worthwhile getting someone to help you out.

You're doing a great job of it - keep reaching out to people who care and are there to help!

[Former-Member]

In reply to Misha
Your kids are probably your lifeline I've got no kids or partner so my if I suicide it will not impact on anyone but I can see the trauma you could place on your kids.Its hard but just take it one day at a time.A lot of the problem is we can't get a job suitable or by the fact that the workplace expects you to be so competitive which when we have gone through mental illness,we just don't have the mindset or its seems so irrelevant when we have struggled within.

[Shimmer]

Hi @Former-Member,

I can hear that difficultly finding work is having a huge impact on you. I imagine it would be very distressing to think that ending your life would not impact on anyone. Depression and suicidality can often convince us that others wouldn't miss us or would be better off without us, however this is never the case. It's important to remind yourself that this is a symptom of mental illness, not the reality, when you notice that you are in that mindset.

I'm comforted to hear that you don't plan to die now, and that you are hanging in there. If you find that you are struggling with emotional pain remember that you can always contact Lifeline (13 11 14) or Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

You mentioned that you miss your life and you don't want to be like this - I'm curious, what do you want to be like and how do you want your life to look in future? Are there particular things you used to do and enjoy that you want to reintroduce into your life?

Take care,

Shimmer

[Former-Member]

HiShimmer

My suicide would not impact anyone,I have spent every xmas on my own since I can remember for example because of family conflict.The past few days I am really distressed,and I get tired of it and the emotional pain and hopelessness.Its awful to be like this,and at times I have had illusions of a man who when I first got anxiety 4 years ago I could see holding a gun to my head.Now I just hear him telling me to give up etc.I have suffered badly with major depression all year due to changing my life thinking it wouldbe better but I only made it a lot worse.I lost something I can never get back and grieve everyday with regret.

I always lived to work but cannot return to it no matter what I do to get a job.I would just like to be happy and see there is light at the end if the tunnel because all I see is nothing  but hopelessness.This isn't living.

My mindset is why I live on medical certificates because it's to keep myself safe and to keep pressure off.I am doing a few weeks cleaning in a fortnight or so did three days of training with other cleaners.It was good to work after 4 years but also difficult to put up with people who are competitive or have ego's.I hate going to get medical certificates with the media focusing on bludgers all the time.As stated it's the only option for me after discussing it with centrelink staff member.It doesn't stop me applying for jobs or doing the cleaning job,it just takes the pressure off me looking for 20 jobs a month which isn't possible where I live and the shame of going into a job agency which for 4 years are hopeless.When you are trying to keep yourself alive it all seems irrelevant.Like the cleaning job I am either good enough or not ,I cannot put myself under any undue stress or pressure.Its not worth it.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Former-Member

I just read over your posts. I'm sorry to hear that you are in so much that you are thinking about suicide. It sounds really distressing feeling isolated, having financial pressures, and to have look for work. 

Are you safe tonight? I'm really worried to hear you say that your suicide would not impact on anyone. I can see that you've ben thinking about suicide. If things are getting too much, please don't hesitate to contact emergency services on: 

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

CherryBomb

If in immediate danger: 000