Lived Experience Forum

[mellowjello]

Hi @Albert2 

Wishing you all the best.

I've contemplated many times to also end my life. I've had the most crazy thoughts of just doing it each time but thankfully, I was not brave enough to do it. It's the most horrible feeling, fighting with your mind and your life. I have never told my husband this and sadly, I was too good in hiding it that he never realised I was dealing with this ordeal. I was only able to open up when I became better.

I can understand if your wife is terribly mad at you and obviously this has a huge impact on her. Being a woman, I can only say that we have the tendency to internalise things. You need to have a conversation with her.

I was able to get past the cycle of depression. I was too afraid to be reliant on medications so I took the alternative path (revamped my diet, detoxify, fasting and herbal medicines). I have days when i feel down and very anxious most of the time (something I'm still working on).

Maybe look into a holistic or functional doctor if you haven't. Art therapy was also something that helped me (I had depression some years ago was able to get out of it then had traumatic event, fell of the wagon and art therapy helped me).

Keep us posted. Communities like this exist to support one another.

[Albert2]

Hi @mellowjello I am so sorry to hear your story. I have worked at heights (long time ago) and heights don’t worry me, as long as I am clipped on. I could never contemplate a jump, I would be too scared also!

Yes it is absolutely horrible struggling with your mind and your life, I am glad you were eventually able to discuss this with your husband. Fortunately I have been able talk about my increasing depression, but I get to a point when I have made a plan, then I can’t talk about it to anyone, for me that’s the danger point.

Fortunately my wife doesn’t internalise much, I always know where I stand, ie how deep in it I am, to my knees or over my head! But you are absolutely right in general.

You may not want to hear this but medications work. I don’t like taking antidepressants but I would be dead if if I hadn’t. Anti anxiety meds work too, but I only take them when I need to, not very often.

I am glad art therapy works for you, I am just not arty at all, hey everybody is different and do what works for you!

I am now in a MH ward at the same hospital, I will be here at least until Monday.

Yes these forums have been enormously helpful for me. I hope to return the favour often.

❤️❤️❤️

[tyme]

Hey @Albert2 @mellowjello - I guess meds are a tricky one. They may work for some and not others. Hence it's always good to check with GPs, psychiatrists etc.

I have tried many that haven't worked. But I can say that the ones I'm on now do work (hence I'm still on them :)). 

So yes, they have their place. And so do other alternative therapies like art therapy 🙂

I wish you both all the best with your recovery.

[mellowjello]

Hi Albert,

I'm glad to know that your wife doesn't internalise so that's really good. I also understand when you say you can't talk about it. I remember early on when I was seeing a therapist, I couldn't even mention the 's' word or what I was thinking of doing. It's dangerous when you can't express it. I hope you are able to find something to sort of pull yourself when you're in the danger zone.

Medications do work.It's like a jumpstart and really good for acute and critical moments, so I am not against it at all. It helped me a bit and also my husband when he had his own MH issues, it's just we personally didn't want to stay on this so we tried really hard to find an alternative. And of course, everybody is different. I'm just glad to know when things work for people during this miserable times.

Recovery from MH is continuous process and it's never linear. We can always fall backwards again, but hopefully we can pick up ourselves after. I'd like to draw the strength of keep going by thinking of mom and my husband who I know will be so brokenhearted.

❤️ 

[Albert2]

Hi @tyme @mellowjelloI wasn’t trying to say meds are the only way, if alternate therapy works go for it, I would prefer not to be on ever increasing amounts of meds.

Update I have been transferred to the locked ward at a psych hospital. I am having rapid changes from feeling fine and looking forward with positivity to feeling actively suicidal, I haven’t experienced this before. I am seeing my Psychiatrist today (yes Sunday), so he might make some sense of it.

My wife has just told me two of paramedics told her, in no uncertain manner, that she really needed to say goodbye to me, even though she was so angry and didn’t want to. Yes I wanted to die, but now in the aftermath this has given me a bit of a jolt as to how close I came. Yet I would still like to, I don’t understand what’s going on in my head.

I hope all are well.

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Albert2,

I'm sorry to read what you are going through. I have watched and supported a family member of my own go through something similar to what you are going through at the moment. I really feel for you and your wife as I know how hard this must be for both of you.

You are in the safest place for you right now and I really hope you can get the help and support you need. 

We are here for you and care about you. 

FloatingFeather

[Albert2]

Hi @FloatingFeather thanks for your support and kind words.

My psychiatrist has started me on a gen2 antipsychotic, not thrilled about that but I have little choice. I will also be starting ECT later in the week, this is something I hate, I am one of the very few who have an extended period (days) of confusion after each session. As I will have 11 to 14 sessions that’s a month of almost constant confusion and feeling like shit. However I know it works and I will feel much better after.

I have been switching quite a bit and it seems that none of our alters are yet feeling the trauma we have just been through. So far so good I think.

Yes while I don’t like being in a locked ward it is the safest place for me at present.

[FloatingFeather]

It sounds like although the treatment plan and medication isn't something you are keen to do that in the long run it will help you feel a lot better @Albert2.  I know it may not be easy to always do but if you keep that goal in mind (the goal of feeling better soon) it will hopefully help you get through this hard time a little more easily.

I'm sorry that you are in a locked facility, I know from my family member's experience that can be challenging but it's good you understand its for your safety. Hopefully in the not too distant future you will feel a lot better. My best friend went through some very challenging times this year and I said to her sometimes we all need to let other people carry us for a while. Life can be hard and really knock the wind out of our sails but it can also get better and more hopeful.

Take care of yourself and keep posting when you need to - that's what we are here for 🙂

FloatingFeather

[Albert2]

Hi @FloatingFeather 

Thanks for your thoughts. The drug I was referring to is one I have been on previously, the side effects are… not good, however this morning they told me it will only be temporary so I can live with that. I don’t want to run ECT down on a forum because it is very effective and gives results very quickly, I am one of a very few who have a really shitty time with it and for me it seems to go on and on and on, one day at a time for a whole month. Some lucky people only need a few, I am having 14 sessions starting Wednesday.

I have mentioned this before but my big issue is that I have been on a cycle of feeling good, being depressed, feeling suicidal, attempting suicide, hospitalisation, ECT or other therapy, feeling good, being depressed etc, four times in five years. I cannot see what will break this cycle except successful suicide. I know that is a bleak outlook but nobody has been able even suggest anything that might be effective to break the cycle except earlier intervention when I get depressed. So far this hasn’t happened. I just cannot keep doing this over again.

I just read an article on how suicide effects those left behind, shit shit shit, I don’t want to do that to the people I love. I just don’t know what to do