~ The Toolshed ~

[Mustang67]

@Dreamy I am currently reading a book and a soldier was killed and they are notifying his wife. And it has just bought back exactly how I felt, when I was told that my partner died. And to agonising loss that I felt. So the tears have started early today.

For 21 year I felt guilty about his death and after seeing 6 therapists, one asked me a simple question and the guilt lifted instantly. I was told that now I can start to grieve fully. For a long time I was angry at him, as at the end of our relationship he was physically & mentally abusive. And I knew I didn't deserve to be treated the way he was treating me. It has only been the last couple of months that I felt the anger disapate and now I really miss the person he was at the beginning of our relationship. He was the love of my life and I was so happy back then. 

[Dreamy]

@Mustang67 oh sweet, i can only imagine the feelings it's bringing back. It's ok to let those tears flow, everything you are feeling right now is so heavy to sit with. 

I know that feeling of missing the person that they were, I've had relationships that were amazing in the beginning even for many years but then it all changed and things became different, the physical, sexual and emotional abuse started. That's the thing even when we've been hurt we can still love and grieve the person that they once were. Sending you hugs sweet, we are here with you ❤️

[Mustang67]

@Dreamy it is great to find someone else that understands about loving the person they used to be. I have often had people ask how could I still love him after everything he put me through, but they don't understand how much I loved him in the beginning. No relationship since has been anything like it. But I have also learnt,  that what I thought was him caring for me, was actually him controlling me. But I was young and didn't know any better at the time.

And as part of my grieving process, I came to realise that I was also grieving the loss of the person that I used to be. I have never been the same again, and I don't think I ever will be. I have been through too much.

Thank you for your response, I really appreciate it ❤️

[Dreamy]

@Mustang67 it's one of those situations where unless you've been in it, it's hard for others to understand. Looking back you can see the behaviours that weren't so good but there's still that love there. That's the thing when we were young and naive we didn't know any better but we learn from our mistakes and even as we are older we still make mistakes and continue to learn. 

I hear you there, I'll never be the person I used to be. Sometimes it hurts cos I miss that person but then there's parts that I don't miss. Everything we've been through has brought us to where we are now and made us who we are today. You are amazing and strong and despite everything you've been through you're still here and still fighting ❤️

[Blackcloud]

Thank you for sharing these @Dreamy I’ve missed seeing you and talking to you here, but I’m glad you’re back! 🫂 

[Dreamy]

Always love sharing these @Blackcloud. 

It's great to be back and I've missed chatting to you. Hope you've been well sweet ❤️

[Mustang67]

@Dreamy I do seem to be able to keep dragging myself back up. And the only reason I do that, is because of my daughter. If I didn't have her, I  know for a fact that I wouldn't be here.

[Mustang67]

@Jynx @Dreamy @Blackcloud @Sparky79 @Bunniekins 

It took me 50 years to realise that I deserve better. I have now put boundaries in place and I am not as much of a people pleaser as I used to be.

[Bunniekins]

@Mustang67  hey Mustang67 support button isnt working just wanted to say thankyou for your post x

[Mustang67]

@Bunniekins  You are very welcome😊