~ The Toolshed ~

[RiverSeal]

Hey @Bunniekins, just so you know that we are aware of the suppport button not working in some cases for Members and we are working on it. Sometimes when you refresh your screen it works then so maybe give that a go. Thanks RiverSeal ❤️

[tyme]

Thinking of you @Mustang67 . I hear it's a bit of a difficult time.

[Mustang67]

@tyme Thank you. Today hasn't been a bad one. I just happened to be reading a book where somebody died and they were describing the gut wrenching pain of the loss. And since it is the 23rd anniversary of the events that led to my partner's death, I was feeling that pain all over again. 

I am reading a different book now,  trying to keep my mind busy on something else. Otherwise I will start going over the events that started on grand final day.

And posting on here has been helping as well 😊 

[Glisten]

@Mustang67  LOVE, LOVE, LOVE 🧡 the Boundaries❣️

Can never get reminded enough of Boundaries and how to use them.

[Mustang67]

@Glisten since I was a people pleaser, I had no idea that I needed to set boundaries. But after going through domestic violence and then seeing a therapist, they suggested I do a workshop called How to say NO. I was 50. And for the first time, my life up until this point made sense. I could see why I made the choices I made because of my childhood and why I kept going out with the same sort of man over and over.

I will be passing on what I learnt to my daughter. I have suggested a few things to her already, but they actually cover these sort of issues at school now. Which I think is great.

I actually stand up for myself in my current relationship and let him know if he is not respecting my boundaries or me. He is slowly learning. Lol

[Glisten]

@Mustang67  you just wrote my life story. But I was 59.

I’m still recovering from the psychological damage. I have progressed a LOT. 
I use to have big black spots in my memory. But slowly memories are coming back.

Two years ago I couldn’t tell you what my skills were, but that is changing as well.

[Appleblossom]

@Mustang67 Anniversaries are difficult to negotiate, although I don’t think of tears as necessarily bad. They can be cleansing and respect the grief. I have a complex grief in September. There are so many layers, but I do try and respect my survivor ship. 

people pleasing can be so hard to change and learn those new boundary skills, in the flow of social interaction.

@Dreamy so good to see you 

🥕🍌🍓🌈

[Dreamy]

Hello @Appleblossom, it's great to be back here ☺️

[Mustang67]

@Glisten congratulations on the work that you have done and how far you have come 😊 It can be hard work, but it is worth it.

I know what you mean about black spots in your memory. I don't remember a lot from my childhood. My sister would ask if I remember doing something and most of the time I don't. If I have seen a picture of it, that seems to help with some memories.

But unfortunately I can still remember when I was 4 and cowering next to the refrigerator and wetting myself because my dad was mad and me and he was walking my way. I have worked out that for me to remember things, it needs to have triggered an emotional response, either good or bad. I still struggle with my memory. And can't remember doing things or going places sometimes. Which can be very annoying at time.

[Mustang67]

@Appleblossom I felt guilt for 21 years surrounding my partner's death, but after my therapists asked one simple question, I realised that he had the power and not me. My guilt lifted instantly. My therapists said that now I can process my grief as it should be. It started off at anger as he was mentally & physically abusive and I say with this anger for some time. I found that when I had a good cry about what he put me through, I was able to tell him out loud, exactly what I thought if him and his treatment of me. And while in that guttural sadness, I found that I was able to verbalise things that I had never thought of before.  The emotions just seemed to keep coming. I think you are right, the tears are very cleansing.

A couple of months ago the anger lifted and I have gone back to the stage of really missing him, but only the version of him in our first 5 years and not the last 5 years. I still love him and I think I always will. 

I am no longer scared to say no to people  if I feel they are using me, or I have other priorities. And every time I do, I feel a sense of pride because of how far I have come.