I can’t cope

[Jynx]

Oh also @Captain24 my roster has changed, so I will actually be around tomorrow as well! Thought you'd like to know hehe. And I'm wrapping up very shortly, so I should also say my goodnights ay!! 

Good to see you hun, I missed everyone so much and it's been awesome catching up 💜

[Captain24]

Yeah. I have a lot of anxiety around it @Jynx.

Im talking about not preempting moods because that’s what I think I should say. In saying that I really am trying not too. But I am preempting the massive decline when this med reduction hits. Either tomorrow night or Monday night, Tuesday at the latest. When/if it hits I have no control over being recovery focused it’s just about staying safe and holding on. But it’s hard because it’s not as though I can have any control over it. It’s med related. I don’t want to get in trouble when I need the support the most. 

Im still not being clear. Sorry. But at least I know that I got tonight right! 

I have written that affirmation down. Feel free to use it as you see fit. It might help others and that’d be pretty cool that something that someone like me helped come up with helped someone. 

I’ve never been diagnosed but I was quite good at school so I wouldn’t think so. Sometimes I do question it though. But then is it just my brain going too fast. 

I have to wait until all the med changes have been done before the official adhd diagnosis. They know about my bipolar but if the knew I was changing meds they would suspend me. They see bipolar as what is depicted in movies I think. Psych meds scare them. They say they are a supportive work place but they aren’t. I would tell people to think twice before letting them know of anything MH related. 

A good way to describe my thoughts is it’s like being drunk

How much has your roster changed? Are you happy with it? 

If I don’t talk to you again tonight I’ll see you tomorrow 

Ive missed you too!!!! Awesome chat. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 allo poppet, how's you today?

I think pre-empting a mood change is okay when there's a distinct external factor that is bound to have an impact. Like you know your neurochems are gonna be a bit whacky so it's better to prepare for that, no? Different to the whole 'I will crash because it is inevitable' which is what this is trying to avoid. Do you reckon that is what your psych was meaning? I think for me, it helps immensely to be prepared/have ways of de-shaming my struggles if I know they're coming, ya know? 

---

@Captain24 wrote:

A good way to describe my thoughts is it’s like being drunk

---

Fascinating, wanna tell me more about this? Like they're sluggish or slurred or is it like they have no inhibitions or...? (obvs up to you if you wanna discuss right now or not, no pressure!)

My new roster means I'm always here on weekends!! I'm here Fri-Sun evenings. And I get waaay more time to do all my silly little adulting tasks during the week! 

Hehe how's ya Sunday been?

[Captain24]

I’m struggling a little @Jynx  I sat all morning and just doom scrolled. Then I fed the dogs an early lunch and we went to bed. 

So I’m allowed to preempt this mood as it’s chemical related? One thing I haven’t admitted to anyone until now is that I think I'm addicted to the meds I’m coming off. I’ve abused them to go to sleep when I shouldn’t be. I’ve taken doses to sleep during the day. Trying to stop that has been really hard. It’s like they have been my crutch. 

I know it’s coming and that I can’t stop it but I like that I can prepare for it. I know the next few days are going to be hard. It’s already started. I have work for the next few days so I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. If it doesn’t run smoothly then I think I won’t cope. 

The thoughts are rapid but mixed up. No clarity. No control. They are actually outta control. They are like they a slurred into each other. 

So no more mon-Tues? I’m freaking out a little but I am starting to trust some others. 

More adulting time sounds good. Hopefully it helps you work through things better and organise things for yourself. Was it your choice? 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 I mean, probably still best to discuss with your psych, since she is the one who is working with you on the pre-empting and such.

Maybe it's more about that inner tension between feeling like it is inevitable, vs preparing for it as a possibility but also kinda preparing for the possibility of it not happening, you know? Cos like yeah, coming off meds is bound to come with lots of emotional changes but it STILL does not mean you're gonna crash from it no matter what. 

Thank you for trusting me with this hun. I can imagine that was really hard to even type out. Admitting these things can shake us to our core, so do take a minute to give yourself a pat on the back for being able to be vulnerable about it!! And it does make sense that you have struggled with your meds hun, considering everything you're going through and dealing with. You are not the only one. 

I've not personally struggled with prescription meds, but I used to have a real issue with cannabis once upon a time. I know what it feels like to sit with cravings, to feel like you're gonna explode if you don't get the hit; that desperate clawing feeling inside is SO rough. Please give yourself another pat on the back for making it this far!! 

The cravings/withdrawals worse than nicotine at all so far? I've done that one too, so a wee comparison might help me get an idea of what you're going through. 

Yeah no more Mon-Tues!! But yeah I know you will be ok, you have indeed been making some new connections!! Like I hope you and @AuntGlow  get along, our newest recruit. She gives me all the good vibes, so I reckon you'll like her lots too 😊 And I'll be here EVERY weekend now!! 

[Captain24]

The last time I dropped the meds it wasn’t quite as bad but I did have an extra appointment with my psych and an appointment with my dietitian and I had to go out to dinner with mum and dad and then go around to their place for cake. @Jynx. This time it’s been longer between drops so it could be different. I’m hoping it’s different. So I’m hoping work could be a distraction and it not be so bad. 

I wrote it and deleted it a couple of times. I’m ashamed and I’m not up for admitting it to anyone else. So I’m going through double withdrawals. Every afternoon I want to take it. It’s always been half the dose. But I go to sleep and forget. It’s so hard to resist especially when they are right there. It takes so much of me to not give in. I crave it and I want it. But I’m trying to focus on the end goal of being off them and I want to be off them before I go to hospital in August. I rely on them so much for sleep. It’s like it’s the only thing that can help me. I’ve got new meds for sleep when these ones stop working but I’m scared to get dependent on them too and I don’t need them yet at night. 

Cannabis would be so hard. Well done for kicking it. It use to energise me or nothing at all. Until it made me sick and now I can’t stand the smell of it. 

Cigarettes is so hard. I still haven’t managed to quit and I don’t think now is the right time. But it’s like that urge that you need another smoke and keep going to where the packet is and remembering that you can’t have it. I go to the med shelf several times and think one won’t hurt. Just some sleep. But it will hurt. It’ll make it even harder. I think this is why the withdrawal has hit me so soon in the decrease. 

Im sorry for dumping all this. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. 

Every weekend is good except one weekend a months I’m on nightshift so I won’t be around. 

I haven’t met her yet. I think she has respected the distance I have put around myself. It’ll take me some time. I did connect with Tolly Thursday and Friday though so that was really huge. I didn’t need a bit of help though. 

Sorry I’m a lot. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 I am sorry you've had to carry this alone for so long hun. I can understand why, I think the shame that our society has built up in relation to chemical dependency is absolutely HEINOUS. As if it's ALL your fault, like you are consciously choosing to suffer it.... ugh. Anyway jumping off my soap box now. 

Sounds like you have a solid goal - off em by august for your inpatient, that's very reasonable I think. 

Hey, take a nice deep breath - you DID IT, you said the thing, you told another human!! PHEW, first one is always the hardest. Kudos!

I am not sorry you dumped it, I am super glad. Now you are a little less alone in your struggles, and I ALWAYS prefer you not struggling alone!! 

Aww nice, proud of you!! All things in time, too. No need to rush connections, in fact my experience is that connections need to emerge organically. 

Aye probably wise not to come off nicotine at the moment, there's only so much our bodies can handle! 😅 I mean unless you wanna implode, take the shortcut to a hospital stay via having an immediate crisis... 😝 

[Captain24]

At this rate I’ll probably still be suffering withdrawals by then. But the doctors in there can help me. I hope @Jynx 

If I struggle too much with this reduction then I’m going to make an appointment with the Pdoc and see if there is anything I can take that will take the edge off. But I’m scared that that can cause dependence as well. 

My heart is racing having told you. I really should be more open about it but I just can’t let anyone down. I don’t want anyone to look at me differently. 

I do feel less alone having let someone know. Just to know someone understands the extra struggle that I’m going through. Also so you know the depths of the withdrawal. The extra pressure I have put on myself. The reason why it goes so deep. The explanation of the crisis. 

Yes definitely only so much! Imagine how bad it all would be then! I’d only go back in them in an inpatient stay anyway. I had quit before I went in last time and took it back up. As recommended! 

Im hurting and I’m hurting real deep. 

How has your Sunday been? 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 yo, you are doing SO WELL hun, I'm really proud of you. It's never easy to admit these things, even to ourselves!! 

I don't see you any differently, for the record. No, that's a lie - I now see you as a little braver than before 😉 Growth!! Gratz!! 

I wish I could take the hurt away hun. I send hugs, many many 

🫂🫂🫂

[Captain24]

Yeah.. I struggled to admit it to myself but it’s out there now and I can’t take it back. @Jynx 

I guess it’s growth. It’s a lot about trust though. Having a safe person. I tell you lots don’t I! 

One of the dogs just farted and it stinks! 

Pix is dragging her bum along the ground so I think she needs to go to the vet tomorrow if it doesn’t ease. Mum will have to take her. Does Ruby do that @tyme ? 

How’s the cats?