I can’t cope

[Ru-bee]

Hey @Captain24 Sounds like there's a lot going on for you at the moment

Trying a new birth control method can be a very draining experience in itself as your body adjusts , so going through this adjustment period and having a heavy psych session at the same time - no wonder you're feeling close to tears. I know how difficult it is for you to cry - even I struggle to let myself cry sometimes even though I know it's okay to cry, sometimes I'll still really try to fight it and in those times I try to remind myself that crying is just a natural bodily reaction to my emotions, and that it serves a purpose: It can help us to self-soothe and help us to re-balance our emotions among other things 

Anyway, talking to your GP about what you're experiencing sounds like a good idea! These things can effect everyone so differently and it's hard to know what it might be like for you until you try it. Hopefully your GP will be able to give you some answers

I know things are hard and heavy right now but we're here for you

[Captain24]

The thing is is that it isn’t for birth control @Ru-bee. It’s for stopping things growing in my uterus walls and to help with heavy periods and irregular periods. That’s the hard thing. I medically need it. 

T/W abuse.please ad spoiler tag 

Content/trigger warning

While I know it’s ok to cry it’s hard to shift from being physically punished for it. I was actually hurt to stop crying. I know that it’s in the past however that’s what I see/feel when I need to cry. It’s a fear. 

[Captain24]

Thanks @Bow. I’m hoping it settles down and is just temporary but it sounds like hormones may just not work. 

I see my Gyno in 2 weeks so hopefully he can shed some light. 

[Ru-bee]

I've had friends who have gotten it to help with some of the same things @Captain24 I really hope that it helps and that any side effects settle quickly. 

I'm really sorry that you've been through that. While I've known that crying has been something that doesn't feel okay or safe for you, this does add some more context and I appreciate you being okay to share that. Sending you 💜

[Captain24]

I’ll get up early and try an see if I can get into the GP, he may refer me to another GP that specialises in women stuff especially with my age @Ru-bee. If he refers me I may be able to get in and see her. Hopefully soonish. I can’t just make an appointment as I can’t be under 2 GP’s in the practice. Country medical system at its finest! We need help! 

You find a little more out about me often. I don’t share a lot of my past because I didn’t think it was ok but recently I have learnt some things and that I am able to with caution! It does help to put a lot of things into context though instead of just hiding it all for fear of getting into trouble in here again. 

[AuntGlow]

Good afternoon @Captain24 💛

Feeling exhausted and drained after a deep psych appointment makes sense - feeling big feelings take a lot out of us. It is really tough to remind ourselves it's okay to cry. What was that experience like for you?

Gosh, I completely understand why this would be bringing up overwhelm for you - it's a lot to manage multiple health concerns at once, I have been there, and it's tough. I can hear that big emotions are very present, and to not know exactly why would feel really confusing... 

It might actually be helpful to be with the not knowing and like you said, acknowledge that your feelings are there nonetheless and impacting you. So, what do you need right now? Let's just keep coming back to basics. You're not alone, we are here with you, okay? 🥰

[Captain24]

Hey @AuntGlow 

I went to bed early last night so I missed your posts. I slept all night so that was good. I really needed it. 

Lots came up. When I nearly cried I was talking about some past stuff. But I held myself together. My psych said to let go but I couldn’t. I felt shame. I think I’ve cried twice on her in over 12 months and we have talked a lot of really deep stuff, as you do. 

I have reasons why from my childhood (I did post earlier today) It’s just doesn’t feel safe. 

There is a lot and the more I’ve thought about it it feels a little invalidating. It’s like I’m feeling all these things but I can’t be helped. To be helped I have to wait and see if it’s the mirema or not. It’s like I’m on my own until I know. it’s like my feelings aren’t valid until we know why. It’s confusing and hurtful. 

I did sleep this afternoon though and I’ve just had some dinner. I’ve written a job list for the next two days so I’m going to have to force myself into it. 

As for right now I’m watching friends and using a fidget. It’s not doing much but I don’t know what else to do. I really need a massive distraction from life and from being me. It’s all feeling too much and I don’t want to face it anymore. I’m tired of everything going wrong, it’s like it doesn’t matter what I try it fails. I tried to help myself medically and maybe it’s just causing more problems but I need the mirema for my uterine health.

[AuntGlow]

I am glad you got some rest @Captain24 💖

I can only imagine how much you must be holding... they say that "shame heals when shared in safe spaces", so I think the more you are able to show up in your vulnerability with your therapist (over time), the easier allowing yourself to feel will be?

I understand why it wouldn't feel safe though... it sounds like the need to hide and suppress your feelings was the only choice you had growing up. So of course it would feel nothing short of terrifying to allow your feelings to be shown. What you are sharing makes sense to me, and I appreciate your vulnerability. 

And your thoughts around feeling invalidated make sense too. 😣 Ideally, what would you like most from your health professionals right now?

What do you need from us this week? 🫶