I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I’ll re read that tomorrow my brain just can’t take it in right now. Too many urges, thoughts and contemplation going on and no I’m not in bed yet. @Jynx 

I hope you have a good night 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 of course hun - good on you for recognising your need to tap out. I have faith in you too, to be able to manage those urges and reach out to a crisis service if it becomes overwhelming - you got this. Give Pix and Jett a cuddle for me? 💜

[Captain24]

I do remember that you are a people pleaser @Jynx 

Im not sure how to redirect it. Rejection is a huge thing for me. I fear it. It scares me. I do do little things but it’s also about the fear. I know it can be a good trait to have but I do need to learn that it needs to be on my own terms. I just don’t know how. 

I will tell my psych how I ended up after the last session. She always asks. I’m taking OTC medication tonight on the hope is a drug test tomorrow and maybe I can see her on Tuesday. But I really can’t see the drug test happening. There is nowhere to really do it where I start my shift now. I really do need to see her. 

It’s been good but really hard to be challenged. I really trust this psych. If I’m not challenged then things will defs stay the same. My old psych and this one are really chalk and cheese. She never followed through on anything. We had a drug deal related death here and then not long after there was two more and she was talking about that. Turns out the other two weren’t drug related and when didn’t know it at the time but that’s what we discussed for the first 20 minutes of my appointment. I don’t care for gossip. I didn’t know them and it didn’t affect me at all. Anyway that just went way of tangent. 

I’ve woken up early today and actually feel a little better mentally. It’s 9 in the morning and I feel safe. It’s the first time all week. I’m telling myself that I and capable of cooking meals today for work for the next few days. Meals with veggies. I’m hoping that if I can manage to eat properly it’ll help. I’m not sure my brain will let me or agree to it but I’m trying. I have to start working against my brain. My dietitian was impressed that I am willing to have one proper meal a day. It’s taken me nearly two years to come to the conclusion that yes I do need to eat better and that I’m willing to try. 

Anyhows I’m ready to try and face the day. 🤞 fingers crossed that I am actually able to do it. I’m really tired and drained still but I guess that’s to be expected after the week I’ve had and all the socialising yesterday. 

That’s defs a @Jynx ramble! Mm not sure a lot of it made sense though!! 

Im just going to add to this post.. more rambles

I was about to hang my washing on the line and go to be this morning. It was 10:30. Then my phone rings. It was mum and I had to go for a hot chocolate with my auntie and uncle. So more socialising. I’m so tired. It’s so draining to pretend to be ok. It’s sad as I’ve struggled so much but I won’t see them again for another few years. I hate myself for not being ok. For it all to have been so much effort. It has been good seeing them though and I do appreciate the effort that they have made. 

Im supposed to be cooking food for work but I just want to curl up and forget that I exist. Maybe I should. I guess cooking could wait. 

[Jynx]

That was indeedy a Jynx-ramble @Captain24 and it makes me happy to see! TY for sharing hun. How's your morning unfolded, did you manage to locate some motivation for snackage? 

Yeeeah see my psych and I probably only spend MAX 5 min on any small talk... and like, we were actually friends at one point. Totally unprofessional, chalk and cheese indeed! Glad you're in cheeseland now with your current psych hehe. It is hard being so challenged hey, but then when you also find that stuff is shifting, it helps with motivating oneself to go right back into the emotional fray 😅

You got some time to yourself today too, recover from all that socialising? 

[AuntGlow]

@Captain24 I get this feeling... sometimes I feel like I might combust with how intense things feel in my body when I know I don't have a space to go and regulate/have to put on a facade. Is that how you feel? 

I am wondering, what kinds of foods do you imagine would feel good to eat? 

Have you had much time to rest this weekend? And how is safety feeling today from 1-10? (10 being the most safe.) 💛☺️