I can’t cope

[rav3n]

hey @Captain24 those are some heavy thoughts to carry, sounds like you really miss being motivated and having that energy to get this done. but also, i hear that you've just had surgery recently so it absolutely makes sense that these things aren't as doable at the moment!

i'm sure you've heard people mention how recovery isn't linear. i came across a video on instagram not long ago that described a spiral shape to recovery, i'll link it here if you're interested in checking it out (it's a short clip): Spiral Recovery. 

do you have much on for today? is your body feel a bit more rested?

[Captain24]

Hey @rav3n 

Im missing being who I was. I was doing so well. Now I just feel like a failure. My thoughts are really heavy and dark.

The pain has lessened a bit today. So I should be able to move on. But I just don’t have it.

I have just written myself a job list. Now I have to push myself so so hard to get off the lounge to do it. It’s not much of a list so it just shouldn’t be his hard. 

All I want to do is clean the kitchen and then my house may look a bit more presentable. If it feels less messy then maybe I’ll feel less messy. 

I feel disgusting and dirty and just need to have a shower. But it’s hard to convince myself to get in there. 

That video was interesting and I like the way it was described. It makes a lot more sense explained that way. I think maybe you should possibly share it. I think others might see something in it. Those that are growing and not stuck. 

Im still so tired. I have no energy or motivation. I need to push to try and create it. But the whole idea of pushing is overwhelming in itself. 

Sorry this feels like this post has just gone around in circles. That’s my mind right now. 

[rav3n]

it's okay to miss being who you were. @Captain24 i get the feeling that this version you miss isn't gone but maybe just taken a seat? maybe once you've had sometimes to recover, that version will re-emerge? 

from what i've heard, you've had a pretty intense month with lots of uncertainties around your physical health. that would make my head feel so full and overwhelmed! and even after some of that uncertainty leaves, it can take time for that emotional energy to refuel.

oh i hear ya about messy spaces. when my rooms a mess, it's often reflecting how internally messy and icky i feel. is it possible to break down the cleaning task into a smaller list for today? i definitely don't want you to push yourself too hard!

would it help to have an accountability buddy? if so, i'm here 😊

i'm hearing a lot of thoughts around feeling like a failure, i'm really sorry to hear that those thoughts are persistent. sometimes i use the 'what would you say to a friend' strategy to break the loop. if you'd like to give it a go: if your friend had surgery this week and was emotionally drained and still experiencing physical pain too, but felt like they were a failure for not getting tasks done, what would you say to the friend? you don't have to share your response (unless you feel comfy to), but it might be good to reflect on. 

being 'stuck' is part of the growth process! i might share it on the toolshed, thanks for the suggestions 😊

[Captain24]

I hope it re-emerges @rav3n. That version of me was slowly moving forward. It’s really disheartening. 

There has been a lot going on medically and I was taking it all in my stride. I was just tackling each thing head on as it appeared. But I guess I had to break at some point. The whole stress of having to go to hospital and have the surgery was insurmountable. The fear.. my psych even made me have an extra appointment to help me with strategies to get through it. Maybe the stress is what made me crash completely. 

Recovery wise I feel a bit better today and that’s also a stress off my mind. But not lifting the darkness. If that makes any sense. 

I wrote the list in a manageable way. It wasn’t just clean the kitchen or that would have been way too much overwhelm to tackle. I have unpacked the dishwasher and got rid of the rubbish. It feels a little more organised now. Just a little bit clearer. It has helped with feeling a little less messy. The state of my house totally reflects my mood until I just can’t handle it anymore and then I cry and push myself and cry some more. That’s me today. 

I need a buddy to get me into the shower. That’s my biggest thing. I also need to clean the benches in the kitchen and the vanity in the ensuite. Then it’ll feel a little better. My kitchen table is still a mess and so are the floors but I feel like I can only push myself so far. Not so much my body but my mood. If I put those things on my list I will 100% fail and that would set me back a really long way. 

I know what I would say to a friend, I’d tell them that it’s ok, to look after themselves first and that things will fall into place and that I’d come around and clean up and look after them. That I’d help in any way I could. 

My psych actually wrote to me in an email to be a ‘best friend to myself’ in this process. 

[rav3n]

@Captain24 i have no doubt it will re-emerge with time 😊

that does make sense! i imagine it's like if you're carrying a stack of 50 books but you take off 2, it's a relief that there's a lil less, but it's still pretty damn heavy! i know you've got a lot of different things on your plate. i hope you're able to be extra gentle with yourself 💙

yay to unloading the dishes and getting the rubbish out of the way!! i'm glad that completing those tasks has made the space feel a bit more organised - and that's a good idea not to add those other tasks on the list, especially if it's going to make you feel worse for not completing it. do take it nice and easy where you can, and don't forget to take breaks when you need (even if it's a 1 min break where you just sit down, it could still make a difference).

showers can be a tough one hey. i can be your virtual buddy! not sure if this is helpful or not, but i sometimes take my phone into the bathroom and play some songs or put on my comfort tv show. sometimes i might even make it a competition with myself and say, there's 30 mins left of this ep, i'm going to try finish showering before the ep ends as a way to motivate myself (i take 30min showers for when i need to wash my hair). it's a bit of a hit or miss for myself. just thought i'd share, totally okay if it's not for you!

i love that your psych and i are on the same wavelength with that! your response to a friend is lovely. i hope you can take some of that kindness for yourself, and remember that things will be ok and fall into place for you too. 

[Captain24]

I managed to clean the benches so at least the place kinda seems clean. It took me ages to be able to do it though @rav3n 

I have also picked up the dog toys that were all over the floor so even though I haven’t cleaned the floors it feels a little more comfy. 

I like the idea of music in the shower. That may actually help it feel less overwhelming. I still haven’t made it in there and I still have to go to the vet and buy Jetts food. That’s the last two things on my list. 

I think I can be a good friend when they aren’t demanding stuff from me. As for putting it towards myself that is hard. I have tried to look after myself by not pushing myself for the last few days but it just has detrimental effects. 

One of my online shopping orders has arrived so I might have a go at another resin thing. This one’s a tray. I’m running out of resin though. I’ll need to order more. Maybe that can be my reward for today. 

[Captain24]

I finally showered @rav3n. It feels so much better. I don’t stink anymore and just feel cleaner. 

[rav3n]

look at you go!!! bench cleaned and shower done, woohooooo!!! @Captain24 

that's fair, it is nice to have a friendship where there's no pressure and you can both just 'be'. i hear ya, applying it oneself is the uncomfy part but it looks like you're doing a good job so far. it isn't easy, but you're trying your best and that counts.

love it, that's sounds like the perfect reward, you've definitely earned it! keen to see how the tray turns out 😊 how long would it take to make the tray? does the entire process take quite long?