My Mosaic

[Jynx]

@Bow That's precisely the point I'm trying to get across: there's no such thing as 'too broken'. I am not being poetic either, neuroplasticity is a proven theory - your mind is NOT stuck this way, science says so! 

I do wanna hear this - because it is you expressing your feelings authentically. You're not bringing me down hun, you are actually releasing pent up emotions. How could I not want that for you? When I know for myself that one of the best ways I deal with my rumination is to externalise it! Please continue to do so, as long as it feels helpful for you 😊

That is definitely something to flag with her!! That you're feeling overwhelmed and like you somehow have to cram 7 weeks plus however long she's next away for into one session? I'd be panicking too!

Can we hop into the dirt together and make like we're at the beach and build dirt-castles over our legs? 

[Bow]

Can we make mud pies and fling them on the sides and wait see how long they take to fall @Jynx ? (Our country market is held on school grounds and in the toilets there is piles of wet loo paper on the ceiling…. I never did that at school, the worst I did was get caught with gum and got a detention to clean it off the under side of desks… but the teacher never showed). 

ruminate = is to stew over things?  It’s all very much on repeat inside my head. So much of it I really can’t share with people cause I’d be in trouble and people would be concerned. As much as I need to get it out it’s just stuck. 😢

wonder if sometimes it would be better to just have amnesia and not remember. Just not remember trauma and yuck stuff. Then I’d probably be screwed up some other way yeah? 

just not ok

no I’m not 

[Eve7]

Sending lots of love to you @Bow  and a squishy hug as well.

❤️😊🥰😊❤️

[Jynx]

@Bow ahaha yes lets!! 

Oh wow haha yes I was a good kid in school, all my rebellion occurred when I left home 😝 

I define it for myself as - venting = getting things off chest, ruminating is when venting becomes repetitive/stuck in thought loops. If you never do any venting though, then it's processing - unless it becomes cyclical or self-deprecating. Then it's rumination. 

That is just the Jynx definition idk what the consensus is elsewhere, lol 

Sounds like you need to vent - just remember that me editing your post isn't you being in trouble. And if for whatever reason I gotta block it, I will work with you via email to make sure you can express yourself. It's not you doing something wrong, it's just about keeping the community safe. 

Focus on the feelings - and also (TOTALLY optional) see if you can find spots where you can gently reframe the thoughts for yourself. I can help with that too. Hopefully in the next hour, or we can come back to it tomorrow. 

If you had amnesia, you wouldn't be our Bow anymore, and I would be sad 🥺

[Bow]

There is so much sad inside @Jynx  so much overwhelming sad. It makes me so low. It frustrates me that I can not be happy. That I can not find joy in things that I use to. I am angry at myself that my days are just wasting away. The weeks are gone. The months like it’s nearly august and we only got back from overseas last month?? My life is nothing. Nothing. I’m 42 on dsp living with my mum. But the sads. The deep sads. It hurts it’s painful. And I just want it over. I spend so much time thinking on. How do you stop it when it’s all you want?? I’m selfish I know I’m sorry 

[Jynx]

@Bow no one gets to define a 'happy and successful life' except you. And if I had had to deal with half the crap you have, I think being 42 and on dsp is a success - you have ensured you can meet yours and your daughter's basic needs and every day fighting an internal battle no one can see - yet you keep on fighting. Not only that, but you pour your incredibly beautiful soul into your art, and you make things for others because it feels good to give back to the community. 

You may not have ticked the pre-set boxes that capitalism gives us, but like... none of us here ever really stood a chance to anyway. None of us chose to go through trauma. You have the big sad for good reason. But maybe being angry at yourself for being traumatised is less helpful, do you reckon? 

This is reminding me of the parts work stuff I've been doing with my psych. Maybe tomorrow we can chat on it more, if you wanna hear one of my iconic rambles hehe. 

Hope you're on your way to being tucked into bed!! 😊💜

[Bow]

@Jynx  had another bad night. Like my meds just take ages and ages to work. I lay awake for ages just tossing and turning. I’m exhausted. But then I am managing to at least sleep late, which I normally wouldn’t be able to do. So that’s a win I guess. 

Why do you gotta always make sense of things??? 

I am still very much angry at myself though. A lot of what has happened is my own stupid fault. I very much contributed to it. 

I’m keen to hear about your parts work and hear one of your iconic but greatly appreciated rambled.