why can't I cope longer?

[Former-Member]

@Appleblossom 💜💜💜 my girl will always be a 12 year old in my mind. But the best years to recall are the younger ones - so happy, active, sociable, big hugger, best smile and so creative. Like your family, oh my goodness, so much creativity there.
Just keep this brief, just wanted to acknowledge... thank you 💙🌿

[Appleblossom]

and spirituality and productivity in my family ... but like most it was a mixed bag.

@Former-Member  You have to do what is right for you.  I would guess your bro is past apologising probably thinks he has.  He sounds very damaged.  It is a pressure all the same for you, just knowing. 

Great kudos for you for your son. Keep reminding yourself.  They are too young and dont understand.

Yes my brothers leadlight is like those.  It is half with leaves half without ... showing the effect and need to continually .... renew     ourselves.

[Former-Member]

@Appleblossom  how was your weekend? Tre analogy is used a lot in the Bible and vines, roots and branches. Staying connected, bearing fruit, rest for birds and shade and more modern knowledge - air purifier... Quite amazing really, for something so grounded in the one place. I

I relate to the fallen tree that kept going like me, kinda deformed with many parts but still the one tree. And certainly not as tall or magnificent as most but still a tree with life and beautiful in its own way. Sometimes people walking by don't even notice the fallen trunk. 

My girl was a tree climber, so agile. Once on a roadtrip reststop when she was four she climbed this tree but kept going up and couldn't see the danger. I was so frightened all I could do was stand under in case she fell (oh got, now I'm crying) anyway, her brother sat up there with her a while 'till the novelty wore off. He lived trees too. Built the best treehouse with his highschool mates. Oh dear, need a cuppa 🌱🌳💙🌿

Wonder when the day will come when even the good memories stop hurting 😢

EOR (fallen tree)

[Former-Member]

Oh dear, don't know if I'm Arthur or Martha today. Haven't got up yet... too cold so back under doona. Yesterday I spent hours pulling together tenancy application for a place back up north. Closer to my boy and a couple of friends, and my girls resting place. Certainly didn't feel welcome in Sydney with that lot (who have been demoted to status of 'relative'  - not family. Why couldn't they embrace me and all I did for my / our parents?). Anyway, driven to build a healthy rental history (after 20yrs home ownership)... I ended up here and made no real friends. So lonely even after a year... but comfortable in my cave, me and furbaby (whose curled up in the small of my back atm) She's having to work harder these days in getting me up to feed her 🤫 

What's the point of it all when there's nobody who visits? Probably be the same mostly back there up north, if I get approved... I donno, so mixed up. And God knows where I'd get the energy and focus to pack and move and clean in a month... oops, what have I done!

Ohdear, it's easy to just do nothing...

Feels like I'm pulled from pilla to post within my own shell. "Double minded and unstable" Wake up one day packing boxes, wake up the next unpacking them and building gardens. Then the next searching real-estate.com for rental elsewhere, even did a virtual tour / inspection and application submission... This morning I breaking out in cold sweats 🤪 what have I done... Its comfortable enough here. Dog is happy. 

Sheesh, im ambivalent.

Psychologist was ok Friday, very young though, really just vented again. Not sure there's any 'therapy' happening, not the important stuff anyway. 

Oh gosh, Betta feed pup, 2  schmacko

 isn't  cutting it for her anymore, she's getting in my face... loves her chicken necks... So cute...

[Former-Member]

Dear @Former-Member

I love all those tree of life pictures you posted, the stained glass ones. So beautiful and so meaningful.

EOR, I am really happy knowing that you have your religious faith. I think we have discussed this previously. I am not what you'd call a religious person at all. Although I grew up with both sets of grandparents being quite religious, so I do have some 'background' in religion. Though, neither of my parents are religious, and none of us have ever been church goers at all. I still have some relatives who are quite religious, christian but not one of the mainstream ones. I am definitely not anti-religion, just have never found the 'faith' that I believe is necessary to closely align to any particular religion.

@Appleblossom... your girl has a very important job being associated with COVID policies. I'm sorry that a religious divide exists due to some anti-religion stances within your family. I would never ever be dismissive or derogatory to anyone with a genuine belief in their religious commitment. I just dont share that belief in a big enough way. I do know that religous belief can be many a person's saviour, so I could never be critical of that. I sometimes wish I had that same faith myself, as I think it would be helpful. But it is not something you can force. To do so would make me a hypocrite, and I am definitely not that.

Very true @Former-Member  and @Appleblossom that those who have passed do not age. Probably much more so with children such as your daughter EOR. I certainly find that with my little 11yo niece . To me she will always be that little 11yo girl who delighted so many. I wrote this poem for her, one year after her death and gave it to my brother (her Dad). I'm thinking you may appreciate it.  I think its much less so for older people, such as my Mum.  I have very sad memories of her as she was so very sick the month or so before she died.  I try to think of her as a younger woman, but unfortunately I'm finding that quite hard to do.  My thoughts keep switching to her suffering through her last weeks.  Anyway .. here is the poem I wrote as a tribute to my little niece.  I still get teary and sad when I think of her @Former-Member , and I was only her aunt.  I cannot begin to imagine how badly it must feel for the loss of your young daughter. 💔

MY POEM FOR EMMA
She is gone,
but she is everywhere.
A young girl runs past,
I cannot help but stare.

And in my mind,
I see her smile,
Her face, her laugh,
Just for a little while.

The clocks all froze,
No time has passed.
Features saved forever,
in her looking glass.

She will not age,
In her heart, nor mine.
Her beauty caught forever,
In that place and time.

On magic days,
She's with us still.
Caught on film,
Framed, but it feels so real.

Like I could call her,
and she'd still be there.
We'd talk of school her friends and family,
And her latest sporting triumphs to share.

I close my eyes,
I feel her embrace.
Hear laughter in her smile,
See joy upon her face.

She lives within our hearts,
She dances in my soul.
Forever young and happy,
She will never be old.

She'll forever be jumping puddles,
and dancing in the rain.
Riding her longed for pony,
And never knowing pain.

And in my heart of hearts I know,
Please don't ask me how.
Our beautiful little girl .....
She runs with angels now.

Sherry 🌸🌼

[Appleblossom]

@Former-MemberThat is a lovely image ... your niece "running" with angels ....

better than Wolves ... altho I loved the book of Women running with Wolves.  Recently I read a YA book called Wolf which went on about all the negative the poor wolves endured and were in danger of being wiped out ...

My cleaner asked me questions about my photo wall today.  Lots of mixed memories there.

@Former-Member   Hearing you about memories, loneliness and your ambivalence. 

I think ambivalence was my default position for decades ... maybe as I am piecing together more of my family story and getting a sense of perspective about it... my ambivalence is lessening.    It can be a difficult state if it gets to the point where you feel in a battle with yourself, but also a healthy state ... if it helps you sieve thru the options and eventually make a good decision.  Making big decisions is hard, and place of living is a big decision.

Friendships take time and I worry that I have run out of time.  It was that I was relating to that ex psychologist about and she was really nasty... it took me about 2 weeks to realise that ... I am very slow socially .... not really a social butterfly or queen of the threads.  Far too serious, but recently (last 10 years)  made it a big project to learn to laugh ...

Take Care

Love the fallen tree ... they can be quite stubborn ..lol

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Appleblossom .. it is a nice image to have.  The relevance of that is that Em was a very gifted athlete.  She was a state representative in middle distance running events. She still holds all the age records in her school and district for several events. She takes after her proud auntie ... yeah I was a decent athlete too. 🌸  She was a terrific little runner, and now she runs with the angels.  Although I'm not particularly religious, that does not mean I'm a non-believer.  😊 

Its nice that your cleaner asked about your photo wall.  You obviously have a lot of memories there.  Perhaps some you may not have wished to talk about to your cleaner, but hopefully some you were very willing to divulge to someone who has taken a genuine interest.  🌺

[Former-Member]

Beautiful poem @Former-Member  thank you for sharing it. You have a gift. I remember in pictures and those pictures still hurt, I'm not sure of the way forward with it  all 😞 were all dying anyway. That's where my faith really helps. We'll be reunited in heaven 💙 where there's no more tears 💙

[Former-Member]

Hey, @Appleblossom , how come you got a cleaner? Lucky you 👍  Is your photos wall in some kinda system, or just random placement? My boy has a cork board he put all his relevant photos (pleased to see I was invited,band near the middle). Probably helps not to feel alone. My hubby didn't believe in having human IMAGES of any kind on display in the house... kinda stuck with me. A Jewish / Hebrew (biblical) thing I think. I do have two small photos on display - my mum holding my girl as a baby... and one of me with the Kidz. I Donna.  

Thanks for your thoughts on ambivalence... I'm  over it, over getting up as a different me, cranky with the me of yesterday... Maybe I've completely cracked :face_with_rolling_eyes:

Never mind, if we can't function then what's the point?

What do you mean it's too late to make friends? Is that an age thing? So many different levels of friendship, gotta let it flow naturally. I hope to get involved in quilting group and church again some day. 

Let's not give up ,💜

[Former-Member]

Dear @Former-Member 

Sorry I havent been very responsive here lately.  I am reading though, and I'm pleased that others have also been reading as well as responding.

I see it was a very cold day out your way yesterday.  I think it may get colder today, if the forecast of snow in some areas is correct. Is the cold, one of the reasons you are considering moving back North?  I realise there are other family reasons as well, but wondering if the start of a bitter winter is also starting to get to you.

It would be great if you could be nearer to your son, although I thought there was talk of him possibly moving elsewhere.  The old saying of it being a bad idea to move expressly to be closer to children, is probably a good one .. because these days the younger generations are so very 'mobile'.  They never seem to stay in one job or one home for long.  But I can also see the pull of being closer to your daughters resting place.  That would be a very real and very strong drawcard.

It sounds like Sydney is not your best option, you are only going to be let down by those family members again. Besides, they either dont appreciate all you have done, or choose not to.  Not a good basis for you to start a new life, as I think there will always be some family bitterness there.  Unfortunately you are not alone when it comes to some family members not towing the line.  I have that issue with my sister, as you may recall.  We all have a difficult and very strained relationship with her.  It seems no matter what we do to keep her included in everything, its never enough. I would not say that the rest of the family are united against her, because that is not the case at all.  She just does not want to be a part of it.  And thats her choice.  Its just a shame she does her absolute best to make life difficult for everyone else in the process .. including my poor Dad.  I think she will never understand that damage she is doing ... not only to everyone else, but to herself as well.  So I would say to you ... rid yourself of negative influences and toxic people, as much as is possible.  But dont isolate yourself in the process.  Keep in touch, but try to let the hurt wash over you.  Accept that you have done all you can to mend broken relationships, but know that sometimes its an impossible situation.  Let it lie.

I'm glad you have your little furbaby there to keep you company and to give you a purpose.  Not the same as human company I know.  But sometimes our furbabies are a better option .. at least in my opinion.  But there again, I am an introvert and am essentially happy in my own company.  In fact its preferred.

I dont know what may be best for you about where to settle down.  Obviously thats a choice you must make.  Its a very big decision to make, and one you will no doubt dwell on for some time.  At least you have choices, given your good credit history.  Very true .. moving is a major upheaval for anyone.  One of life's major stressors, so it wont be easy. But you can and will cope, if thats what you decide to do.  Your furbaby will be happy where ever you are ... so the fact that she is happy where you are now .. really should not come into your calculations.

Glad your psychologist appointment went okay last Friday.  Sometimes venting is therapy in itself, especially in the early days as you get to know each other.  More formal therapy will come in time.  When do you have another appointment?

Holly loves her chicken necks too, and wings.  But her favourite are the lamb neck chops, you know the round ones.

I hope today is a good one, and those ambivalent thought processes start to sort themselves out.

If I could have a coffee/tea/hot chocolate with you ... I would.  Or invite you to my home to share a cuppa on our deck.  Its much warmer here than where you are, otherwise I would invite myself to your place.  😊💕

Take good care of you as you ponder your decisions as to where you wish to reside.

Sherry 🌸