How to support my partner with bpd

[Molly_M]

Hi everyone!

My partner was recently diagnosed with bpd and it's become increasingly hard to support them.

At the moment we're having an extremely rough patch within our relationship due to some terrible things I've done but we have engaged with couples therapy and are committed to working through it. 

Of course this has been extremely triggering for my partner. So now it feels like any small thing i do  thats upsetting creates a much larger reaction.

Im trying my best to understand and acknowledge how they feel but there's a lot of aggression directed towards me and it becomes very overwhelming very quickly. 

At the moment anything I do is wrong or not good enough. Even when it seems to be helping in the moment the next time they're heightened it gets thrown in my face as the wrong thing to have done. 

I think I just need to know I'm not alone in this. 

[tyme]

Hey @Molly_M ,

I'm hearing you. Although I came from the 'other' side, being a person diagnosed with BPD.

I relate to the lashing out, the rage, the constant triggers.

Let me tell you, it's not anyone's fault - especially you.

A borderline's lack of identity means everything in their environment can trigger them.

From my experience, the best thing is to walk away when they are heightened. Let them know you will check-in later.

I don't suggest arguing back or reasoning when they are heightened as their reasoning brain has already gone long ago.

For me, I was an emotional child trapped in an adult's body. I didn't choose to be this way.

But knowing people around me cared made all the difference as well as for them to set boundaries. e.g. if you yell at me, I'm going to walk away until you are ready to talk. (Boundaries should ideally set and agreed upon when the borderline is NOT triggered or heightened). If they want things to work, they will work with the boundaries.

You are certainly not alone.

[Molly_M]

@tyme thank you so much for that. Even just seeing someone had commented made me burst into tears. 

That's really great advice. I've started reading 'I hate you, don't leave me' and I know the principals but it's been difficult to put them into practice. I'm not great at communicating boundaries. Thank you for the reminder that I need to make it clear that I'm coming back or still wanting to talk about things. 

Unfortunately I think my partner is in a constant state of distress right now. They have two family members who have recently had major health crisises and one is still in hospital with a long way to go. It's taken a toll on the whole family but my partner feels responsible to be the main support person even though it is extremely draining and triggering for them. 

[tyme]

I'm not saying it's going to be an easy road for either of you, but it is certainly rewarding. BPD is very treatable. @Molly_M 

You may be interested in the resources here from the Australian BPD Foundation https://bpdfoundation.org.au/carers.php

What I found with 'I hate you, don't leave me' is that they shared a lot of the struggles of BPD, but there was limited sources of hope of recovery.

I've had a very tough BPD ride, but it's been so incredble.

Underneath all the hurt of your husband, you will find a highly sensitive, passionate and loving person. They just need help to find themselves.

If you have any questions, I'd love to respond.

But bottom line, boundaries are most important. It protects both you and him. Also, sometimes a few days of hospitalisation can help to give both respite. It doesn't 'fix' things, but it can break the cycle of being constantly heightened and triggered.

[tyme]

I also thought you may be interested in this service https://www.spectrumbpd.com.au/education-training/training-for-the-community

These are groups for carers so you can ask questions. @Molly_M 

[Molly_M]

Thank you! @tyme 

[tyme]

I was very fortunate enough to be admitted into Spectrum for all my BPD therapy. They are a specialist BPD clinic in Melb and very hard to get into @Molly_M .

To this day, I'm still in awe at how I managed to get in in the first place.

I can't even describe how thorough and great they are. My treatment lasted just over 18 months. The treatment was twice weekly. There was both individual and group therapy. The clinicians are so so well trained and equipped to work with people with BPD.

Group therapy helped the most. It was also the hardest. I never thought I'd agree to group therapy, but that's where the change really happened.

I really hope your partner gets the support he needs, and that you are able to talk about some of those boundaries to keep you both well.

[sopa]

Hey @Molly_M, thank you for sharing, and you are definitely not alone. 

I’m really sorry both you and your partner are going through this. It sounds really tough.

My experience is different from yours because my partner has a different diagnosis, but his episodes of mania in bipolar presents in really similar ways to how you’ve  described your partner’s BPD: I also can’t do anything right, everything triggers him, and there are seemingly constant episodes of rage and high emotion. It feels unrelenting and defeating.

I really agree with @tyme that clearly communicating then enforcing boundaries is helpful. I also find it useful to set very clear parameters earlier rather than later: if we are hanging out when he’s in mania, I say it’s for maximum two hours, in this place, for this purpose, with no alcohol, etc. It feels really rigid, but helps us both calibrate our expectations, which helps him regulate a bit.

I sometimes struggle to set boundaries with my partner because I know he’s hurting when he’s heightened and want to comfort him, and also, I just love hanging out with my boyfriend, and I don’t want distance. I wonder if you feel similarly. It’s hard, and I’m sorry.

I don’t have any advice, but I just wanted to let you know that you are very much not alone. It sounds like you’re doing the absolute best you possibly can for yourself and your partner, and keep going. We’re here.

[Molly_M]

Thank you @sopa for sharing! I really appreciate it. It really helps give perspective when I know I'm not alone. 

I'm waiting for my planning appointment with SANE guided but I'm looking forward to being able to figure out how to set respectful boundaries. After being together for 13 years it's difficult not to fall into the same toxic patterns. 

I've been trying to put into practice some of the skills mentioned in books or articles I've read but I'm not a very good communicator so it doesn't come across. 

Does anyone have any advice on how to productively engage with your partner when they are heightened? When walking away isn't an option? 

I'm getting better at being validating of his feelings but how do I follow that up with being able to be supportive when I'm being told that I 'don't love' or 'don't care about' him. When I'm contradictory at all it's triggering. 

[CarerMum03]

@Molly_M I hear you.

My adult child has BPD and it has been much better for all of us since they went into Parc's Ironbark program https://www.wellways.org/our-services/prevention-and-recovery-care-parc

It is a residential program and they learned many skills during their stay.

We have fewer bad periods and when they do happen, they can reflect and discuss what went wrong once they have calmed down. This is not one-sided as the rest of the family has to take ownership of the negative reactions that may have occurred.

I try not to be hurt when they verbally attack me, by thinking of them as a child that is hurt and lashing out to share their pain. This is not how they feel about me, in fact, it is a compliment that they feel safe and comfortable enough to share their pain with me. 

Well, that is how I navigate it. I hope this helps and take care.