A long and self indulgent rave

[PeppiPatty]

Dear @Mazarita I'm just reading everyone's messages to you but a lot of what you wrote rings true for me. Oh, have I been there am there will be there again....

PP or Anne xx

[PeppiPatty]

Hi @Mazarita

This is my contribution to your messages but can I first answer the first message.

Can I start by copying your issues....

inner conflict about how helpful my psychologist treatment is for me (saw her on Friday);
trying to further reduce my tobacco intake (the struggle seems disproportionately huge and exhausting);
needing recovery time from a big week (by my standards);
simply another manifestation of bipolar disorder in me.

What @Former-Member writes, please @Former-Member never apologise. You are so thought provoking in your answers. So kind. I agree with the two huge goals at the same time.

@Former-Member write well on the Psychologist thing. I dont see one at all because of my experience of my PSychologist. I live in a groovy area where I think all Psychologists meet for yoga excersises at 6am every morning and to chant the I live in a groovy area and work here too. Sane Forums got me caring for myself very WELL but unfortiunately, the PSychologist thing was with a woman who I now think was very depressed. And young. And .............2 years later realising that I just need to see my beautiful PSychotherapist who I'm seeing tomorrow.

[PeppiPatty]

I'de be b..... overwhelmed and in bed for over a month if I had to fill in sheets about my weight fluctuation (not smoking but my issue) 

I was thinking on how I changed my appearance from being a

          tough girl :I wear overalls with singlets and am defensive with purple hair 

         to Mrs Lacy and feminine...still wearing overalls but Im feminine about it and I wear other clothes too. Blond hair.

I liked getting my hair cut short, toughie short, I hung out with people who were confused about their sexuality or straight out; different, living on the edge of society but I was'nt . I was a GREAT Mum and many people trusted me with their children. I wore singlets, toughie boots and big jumpers and those huge big tunics. No shape thank you. I’m a chubby lady. …..growing too.

 My Psychotherapist commented on my exposed arms, showing half of my bras.

I felt angry.

I felt defensive.

I’m a good looking lady. I liked my …..no wearing make up. I didn't believe in massages or those stupid hair washes at the hair dressers. My life was difficult.

I was cool in my own box. 

And.......... one day, my hair grew a little longer. I stopped wearing singlets. Skirts suddenly appeared in my wardrobe; pale pink. Eye shadow, mascara. Sandals and long sleeved blouses.

One day, I went to see my Psychotherapist said, You look really good. I confess it’s a different feeling to get a compliment than giving. We spoke of me getting a lapband. I’ve lost about 3o k in 6 years. 

Though it's not........quitting smoking it's my way of change. Sometimes they just dont have the tools to know how to sit with someone who wants to change. This is a terrible judegement but ......this is how I feel. 

You are better than this @Mazarita. You have supported many people and taken huge risks in the past  x months. Remember you have tried working , walking,support workers.

 ........Your video stuff has gone in and out with you 

This is only your life babe, I love having you as my friend. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

For what it's worth @Mazarita, my husband has been away for three weeks now, and I am only showering every second or third day ,... so emotionally tired I have just been cutting out of my day everything I don't need to see to (postponing the worries, and postponing the showers !!!)

Hey, I'm not being very active, not sweating a lot, don't find myself smelly, that's what deodorant is for, so I'm okay with that.  Cleaning my teeth is big for me tho, and changing clothes regardless of the shower, but I will go 48 hours, including sleeping, in the same clothes if I have nowhere to go and they still feel fresh ...

And, filling out daily forms logging stuff drives me nuts.  Can totally relate to all of that.

i reckon you are doing a fantastic job cutting back on the smokes - more power to you ! - and you will get there with the rest.  My thinking aligns with the psychiatrist there.  Slow and steady wins the race 🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢

For what it's worth ...

❤️

[Mazarita]

Thanks for your posts too, @Faith-and-Hope, @PeppiPatty. It feels much better to be struggling along with these things with you all around.   

[Kurra]

Hi @Mazarita

I've been in your position many a time. Showers don't always happen. Isn't that what deodorant and perfume are for? I've gone through periods where I've gone to work, come home and straight to bed fully clothed, got up put on deodorant, perfume and clesn clothing and gone back to work. I've done this for embarrassingly long periods. So what? It's not the end of the world.

I agree with others that you appear to be undertaking too many things at once that are placing yourself under what would be excessive stress for me.

Rome wasn't built in a day but it certainly can be destroyed in less than a day. I find it easier on me to deal with one issue at a time
It's significantly less stressful and tends to be more successful. I call it looking after myself.

The homework you've been given by your psychologist is quite a daunting list. I wouldn't even attempt to do all that because I would be the one that ends up paying the price. If you feel that you don't have a satisfactory connection with your current psychologist don't be afraid to find and try another one. I've finally found a youngish man who has helped me enormously. Mores to the point, I can't pull the wool over his eyes as I've been able to do previously. This is a good thing for Kurra.

Be kind to yourself. Consider your needs and do what you think will help you along the road to recovery and what will help you find greater stability.
Hugzzz

[Mazarita]

@Kurra,

Thanks for your good advice. I've decided to quit this particular DBT sheet for good, it's just not helping. In fact it's clear to me that it's getting in my way. Still considering whether to end the sessions with the psychologist after the next one (six). Aside from her I have the psychiatrist (who I trust in a solid way), a support worker (very helfpul in practical ways) and the forums here for support. Also sporadically attending group activities at a local community mental health centre. I don't think I even need a psychologist on top of all this! I only started seeing one to specifically help me give up the green, which I have done now (two months ago).

You're right about the showers. The lack of one doesn't always keep me in the flat. But as the days pile up without one, it becomes less and less likely I'll get out (which in turn gives me less motivation to have one). Anyway, fresh as a daisy now, so not an issue for today and tomorrow at least. But it's great to hear I'm not the only one who goes more than a couple of days without one. Thanks to you and @Faith-and-Hope for sharing that. By the way, I've also spent long periods of time in the past falling asleep in my clothes in a never-made bed. And staying in the same clothes all the next day as well. Doing much better than I was then and I do find the routines I mostly manage lift my spirits to some degree. Trouble for me so far is maintaining them. But, as @Faith-and-Hope said, 'slow and steady wins the race'.

Thanks again, everyone. Hugs!

[PeppiPatty]

For what it's worth @Faith-and-Hope You are like a tide of fresh water coming in.

I go without showers too. 

Not when I had purple hair when I was 28 years old odd. That was wash in once per week. 

 

I like @Silenus contribution too hey. You have all taught me how to manage my compassion better.

I rewrote my massage @Mazarita

DEar @Kurra and @Faith-and-Hope thankyou so much for the genuinely true advice because @Mazarita somehow reflacts what is happening in my life too. 

Anne xx

[Mazarita]

Hey @PeppiPatty, sending you huggles (as @Silenus would say). I'm so glad to be your friend too. That video making from your poetry brought a special feeling of closeness to you and your inner world, even aside from the history we now have on the forum. Hope things are going okay with you day to day at the moment. Thinking of you with love. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hey @PeppiPatty 😊 Helping each other along here ....

Guess what my next challenge is for today ??? Power outage to our whole suburb !!!

Cooking dinner (gas job) by candle-light ... Yay !! Romantic ? Lets see if I burn it first .... 😆