Right @MJG017 @tyme I said about 3hrs ago I was going to go to bed, then I've written an essay in our other thread @MJG017, but now I've seen this post I can't leave it unanswered all night.
- "I honestly dont know if anyone who reads that would think "look at what this idiot has done to himself!". Because I think that all the time."
No, I don't think you have done it to yourself, it's not a matter of what's wrong with you but what happened to you. You reacted normally to an abnormal situation. I know, because I've essentially done the same thing, but for a different "what happened". As a child you did not have any grand plan or scheme, you had the resources of a neonate - aka a reptilian brain, you could only control breathing, heart beating, swallowing food you were given and excreting waste matter and turning toward a noise. The external circumstances were not ideal and you had to "deal" with them in some way. You could have chosen worse ways to deal with it. I know that sounds untrue because lack of connection is so painful, but you could have gone off and committed crimes as a way of dealing with these abnormal circumstances, but you tried your best to fit into roles which society has deemed "normal". Don't forget also that society has evolved over time. So things that are "normal" or acceptable now, were not in the 70's and 80's.
I think the "barrier you can't break through" might be amenable to therapy. You've done very well to idnetify what it is you'd like to change, but maybe you do not currently have the resources to bring about those changes without some external input. You may even know or have a good idea what's stopping you from going through that barrier, but you may need help to take that leap of faith (I'm not talking about religious faith here). Have you tried therapy ?
I found a good resource that I listen to and I listened to a particular episode that talked about "orphans" on my way to my sport competition on Saturday. It's a bit high brow because it's by psychologists for psychologists, but it's comprehendable. It's called Clinically Thinking podcast. It was the "The Lifelong Effects of Child Sexual Abuse, with Dianna Kenny" episode. I know that sounds incorrect but she talks about neglect at about the 34min mark.
I also thought it was too late for me to feel different, when I first told my GP in the place I now live and she said it's not too late and she had a 70 year old patient who had disclosed and was referred to psychology with great success. I mean you have to grieve the loss of the children you'll never have, as do I, because it's too late for that, but there's still a chance for deep connection.
I can also tell you that your life has not been a waste of time. People often say "if I can help just one person, then I'd be happy". So how many people have you helped with support groups, you're helping people, including me. on these forums, you've worked and helped lots of people with IT (including on the forums), bought a house, have a current relationship - these are most people's markers of success. I know you still feel the emptiness as I do, but your life has not been wasted.
It's interesting that you had more intense feelings of loss of connections in your 30s because at 30, I also thought my life was over, because I had not got to have children. In fact I felt so terrible about it I actually attempted to end my life (an "unsurvivable attempt" according to a number of doctors). So I think I can empathise to some degree the absolutely horrible feeling of lack of connection. I still have difficulty when I see families especially young children, I have great difficult with babies for another reason, it's not terrible but still a difficulty.
Anyhow, this was longer than I thought, but I still see hope for you and I definitely don't think you have wasted your life. Yes you have many things to grieve though and I think having identified problems there's a path forward that may be amenable to psychological intervention.
