Lived Experience Forum

[Shirazchurch]

I'm really struggling right now, wondering why I bother trying to show support for friends and people or to be kind. Really seems like every time something good comes along or I try to fix a problem or even just share a kind and respectful opinion it backfires. I really wish I knew why every time I try it happens.

[tyme]

Hey @Shirazchurch ,

I'm sorry you are feeling this way at the moment. It sure sounds hard to experience. I can see you spend much of your time being helpful, and hence when it backfires, it hurts all the more. 

I'm sure many can relate. You are not alone in this. From experience, I've also found it hard when I do something with the purest intentions, only to have it thrown back at me...

I'm really hearing you.

Would you ever consider speaking to the people involved? For example, if I know there's been a misunderstanding, I like to apologise to the person for the misunderstanding, then work through it with the person/people so that in the future, it doesn't repeat itself.

However, this took a lot of learning and I had to work myself up to being able to do this. It wasn't always easy. 

Thoughts?

I hope you can be kind to yourself at least 🙂

[Shirazchurch]

Thanks for that I do try my best to reach to those I've hurt due to a misunderstanding but it always feel nine times out of ten that it backfires and I really just feel like I don't belong or that my attempts at trying to help do go appreciated until they're misunderstood and I make things worse.

[RoseGeranium]

@Shirazchurch - I think Tyme makes some wonderful points.  I have strong boundaries around how much I help others out.

(a) I never get between other people

(b) If I help someone clean or move house or another major help, I do it only once per person unless I have a really trusting relationship with them so I know they're not using me

(c) Helping yourself through adequate self care, in whatever form that takes is paramount.  Do you spend time reassessing your friendships and make sure they have the same values as you and get other supports into place before you start helping others again?

I'm personally Buddhist now, but when I was young, I recall having religious studies where Jesus was good to people no matter what and that didn't feel like helpful teachings to me without understanding how to draw decent boundaries.

A good example is that I used to help a friend with PTSD to clean their house once a month or less.  I used to do more work than her and I found that once I told her that I'd not help her with that anymore that the friendship was over, hence only doing something like that once for people.  Maybe make sure you don't form habits of helping people repeatedly and only give so much per person, particularly if they're not all that grateful.

I know that two friends who were admitted to mental hospitals had me as one of their few people visiting them and I felt they never appreciated it from their future behaviour, but the truth was that we were all just living in the moment and all doing what we could to each get by.  I wasn't to expect anything in return and that was a hard lesson for me.

You can just choose to be a good person and be consistently good, but decent boundaries you decide on will help you to know how to put yourself first and not feel taken advantage of.

I hope that's helpful.

Love, Rose.

[MermaidHair]

Hello @Shirazchurch,

That sounds really disheartening and I hear you with feeling like your good intentions are always backfiring. Thing is, you shouldn't feel so guilty for trying to be kind or helpful! Sometimes good intentions do go to waste, but if you know your heart was in the right place then try be kind to yourself. There could be many reasons it isn't being received well and most of them likely have nothing to do with you, but more to do with the other persons problems or what they're going through, if that makes sense.  

I hope it does 💜

[tyme]

How have things been for you today @Shirazchurch ?

Thinking of you and hope you are okay.

[Shirazchurch]

Thanks for that I think it does. I had a long series of talks with friends and people who understood my intentions were only to be positive and share it among others who need it. What upset me was somehow people and friends thought I was causing harm so how when I  never meant for such things. But I'm glad there were those that saw I was only meaning good.

[tyme]

Hey @Shirazchurch ,

I wanted to check in with you to see how you are travelling?

How have things been since we last spoke?

It sounds like there ARE people who see your good intentions. I guess there will always be those who misunderstand, but I can see how it hurts more because you'd think they'd understand...

Life.....eh?

[Shirazchurch]

Hey there,

Yeah things seem to be going better with people. It still feels frustrating though no matter how hard I try to help out or make amends for mistakes someone always seems to hate me.

[tyme]

I've been thinking a lot about what you are saying @Shirazchurch , yet I'm also thinking, does it matter if people 'hate' you? - Maybe it does, and that's okay too.

I guess there are different ways we can put this. For me, in the past, I struggled a lot with what people thought and this was at my own expense... then it came a time when I really had to reflect and see that it wasn't doing me any good.

Yes, I am more than willing to make changes and apologise for things I have done wrong, yet if it's someone else who's got 'the issue', then so be it. I didn't let it stop me living life.

I had an incident yesterday where I got really really angry at someone. People around knew I was angry and they told me to leave it. Yet because people were getting hurt, I spoke up. I may still bear the repercussions of speaking up, but I'm not here to make friends. I'm here to do what's right....

I may have lots of enemies now, but I see that as okay. I don't intentionally make people hate me, but if they do, I'm not here to please them and to keep my mouth shut while others are getting hurt.

I hope you can come to a place where you have peace with whatever you chose to decide, and if people don't agree, it doesn't eat you up.

Please look after yourself.