Someone to talk to?

[fruitisgood]

Currently waiting in queue for SCBS. Never tried this line before. 

Im not feeling okay today. Shits hard. Im so alone. Noone is replying because its Saturday night. Im not feeling okay. It looks like it shouldn't be this hard but it IS. I feel like Ive got massive blinker lights on flashing "I AM NOT OKAY" and its falling on deaf ears and blind eyes. 

I feel like im speaking a different language. 

Shits hard. This is hard. Please stop telling what I need to do. Please stop telling me this is a phase. Please stop just trying to get me to breath. Its not helping. ........ 😞 

[holdinghope5]

Hi @fruitisgood, sorry to hear that things are really rough for you right now. It's hard to be stuck on hold, it can sometimes increase frustration and make it a lot harder to reassure ourselves to hold on. 

We see you.

See that it's hard, that it feels like no one cares, that maybe the world feels like a dark and scary place. And you're right, it's not a phase, it's right now - the feelings are happening now, so being told to focus on some uncertain future doesn't necessarily help. You deserve to feel heard, and deserve to be held in your vulnerability, regardless of what you're going through. 

Hold on tight, hopefully someone will respond soon - and the forums will be here for you no matter what. 

[fruitisgood]

@holdinghope5 currently at 28 minutes. I tried another one earlier but theyre not trained for people in high distress situations so I ended the call. Also felt like I was going to yell at them. Theyre just doing their job. 

I keep trying to write something on my socials to try and find someone locally. I just dont want to be alone. A phonecall. A visit would be amazing but a phonecall would be just as welcomed too. 

Im tired of text. Im writing here but what other choice do I have? 

Im so tired of text and disjointed conversations ! 

But im scared to reach out to people that know me. What if someone who means well offers their hand but makes it worse? What if they trigger me and I lash out? what if what what IF . 

[NightHedgehog]

Even though text is not the ideal for you at the moment @fruitisgood and you are looking for more of a voice/in person connection, we can sit with you here on the forums while you wait.  Sounds like you did really well to reach out again tonight after the first call didn’t go how you might have wanted it to. 

Wanting the people in your life to see that you are not doing ok is understandable, and it’s hard to find the words sometimes.  Either the words to post on socials or the words to share with the people that know us to say that we know we are not ok or to ask for the kind of support that would be most helpful.  And it sounds like those are connections that you really value since it seems like you are worried about lashing out at someone offering support. 

Is there something that the forum can offer tonight that would be most helpful while you wait?

[fruitisgood]

Thankyou @NightHedgehog  I gave up on SCBS. Ive never successfully gotten through to them which is a shame. 

I tried another but it wasnt helpful either. contemplating if I try again or just try to go to bed. 

I cant stop crying. 

I dont really know what would be helpful right now. that feels like a shit answer after I just aired it all out here. Im so stressed. 

I literally feel sick and like I need to stay home, but noone cares. I feel trapped and like im drifting. 

[NightHedgehog]

@fruitisgood Not a shit answer at all, sometimes airing it out is part of what helps and sometimes it’s hard to tell in the moment.  It is a shame that you were not able to get through but it sounds like you know they are there if you need to reach out, which is important. You deserve that support.

I can hear how painful this is for you right now, and it sounds like lots of conflicting feelings at once life feeling trapped and also drifting.  Crying can be an uncomfortable space for some people as well but it can also be good for our bodies to get that release of emotions.  Without trying to tell you what to do and feel free to ignore or focus on the things you know work for you - if you decide to go to bed instead of reconnecting, maybe there is something you can do after crying that is comforting or that doesn’t require a lot of you (for me this is a cup of tea and watching stupid stuff on youtube).

Im sorry that you are feeling sick, that never helps when you are also struggling.  I don’t know much about your situation but if you need to stay home because you are sick then there is nothing wrong with that, its important to prioritise your wellbeing and be kind to yourself. 

[fruitisgood]

@NightHedgehog  Yeah i did get through but it wasn't a great person to talk to. Sometimes its a swing and miss. I call these lines alot but they can only offer so much you know? 

I did boil the kettle like an hour ago, thankyou for reminding me to check it again ha. 

Im feeling sick in my head. Im treating it like a physical illness (trying to ) but its also so frustrating because its like, a sickness that doesnt go away. I just wish so sooo badly and selfishly that someone else would make the first move, or actually really show they care. I feell ike noone is willing to make the kind of space for me that I need. This is what I fired off about over the phone. 

I can control my own choices. I can control where I put my energy. I can not control others. I cant make others care. I can't make them come visit me. 

I feel a deep desperate yearning for something I cant just decide to take with my own hands. IvhopecIm making sense with that 

[NightHedgehog]

Haha Enjoy your cuppa @fruitisgood! 🍵

If treating it like a physical illness is what helps then go for it! Sometimes it can make it easier to conceptualise, like if you were physically unwell right now what care would you give to yourself to allow for rest and healing? 

I can really hear that deep longing for connection, not just in having supports available but maybe to be seen and cared for.  That’s a valid feeling – it’s a normal human drive to connect with others.  You are right we can’t control others choices or actions, but it is also ok to seek connection, to ask people to meet your needs or to tell people you need someone to show up (even when we really want them to take that first step).  Although also no pressure to do all this contemplating tonight when the focus is on your safety and wellbeing.  Hopefully you are able to either reconnect if you want that space to chat, or to head to bed and let yourself rest. 

[REDLINEZ750]

@fruitisgood  hello again

you get through yet?

[RiverSeal]

Hey @fruitisgood, sounds like were not in a great place last night and well done on reaching out to crisis supports and to the community here. I just wanted to check in and see how you are travelling today? I know sometimes I feel better for having some sleep but at times it can also feel like groundhog day. RiverSeal