My Mosaic

[Jynx]

I know there's no magic words to make it all better @Bow but pls know I'm here with you hun 💜

[Bow]

They all tell me what to do @Jynx and none of them understand 

it’s such a horrible mess inside 

[Jynx]

You talking about your support team @Bow? It is so important to feel understood. Can hurt deeply when we aren't, especially when it's coming from our supports.  

[Bow]

Yeah @Jynx 

they try

they mean well

but no one ever really gets it

noone knows how bloody hard it is to just eat 

brain knows I need to

but I stand there at the sink and argue with inside

[Jynx]

@Bow I am really getting that sense of how isolating it feels to be misunderstood. Do you find that the feeling is less intense when you're in your ED group, with others who can actually relate?

[Bow]

It’s extremely isolating @Jynx @when you battle to do something so basic and …. I don’t know how to adequately describe it, the sense of something so simple, basic and life needing. 

I have not felt well today. It’s been a struggle. 

I went to my arts and craft group though, we finished early so sat around talking. Of course a common topic of discussion food. 😩 made my nausea worse. My SW was there, kinda had hoped that she would wrap the conversation up, but can’t expect them to not talk about stuff just cause of me. 

I have bloods tomorrow which I am absolutely terrified about. I fear they wont be great and that’s not a good outcome with mum away.

[Jynx]

@Bow I think maybe that's part of why ED's are so misunderstood, and like, so many people (even professionals) will shy away from it, perhaps because it is too far outside the realm of experience for them and they just can't imagine not eating, and it makes em uncomfortable or something. Which really does highlight just how much stigma and misunderstanding is still out there cos like... literally just a bit of training is prolly all they need right? 

Just in regards to your group discussion hun... you say you can't expect them not to talk about stuff just cos you're there, and that is true. But that doesn't mean you can't ask for a topic change. You have every right to do so, to ask for your needs to be met and your personal boundaries to be respected! And I know it's hard to do that, but maybe have a chat to your SW about like 'Hey maybe next time you see something like that, could you advocate for me please?' 

[Bow]

Yeah I think so @Jynx ….

TW: Eating Disorders

Content/trigger warning

Even prior to my experience, I remember when I was in the rehab program, there was a lot of girls that had EDs and you could tell who they were cause they all had to sit at their desk for an hour after each meal. I always thought how can they not eat? Couldn’t imagine not eating.

So yeah, people done get it. Don’t understand. And the countless professionals that have come across my path.  Blah, anyways. Can’t change any of that. 

it’s not easy to speak up and tell my SW stuff like that. 

We got some good news today. We have been fighting/waiting…. For my step dad’s super company to make a decision about his super. His will stated he wanted mum to have 100% but it’s never that easy. The trustee had to contact all dependents and allow them to make claims. It’s nearly been a year. But today we found out that mums been given 100%. So that means we are off to the UK for Christmas! 

[Snowie]

So so good about the super @Bow 

Going to the UK at Christmas would be amazing. I'm sure you will all love it. Now time to organise everything.

I hope today is going ok for you hon.

When is your mum home?

[Bow]

Hi @Snowie 

yes relieved super is all sorted out and we can start planning of UK Christmas. We will also do the train to Paris and hopefully I can convince mum to let us do a day at Paris Disneyland. 😃

mum is home next Friday. So another week. 

i had my bloods done this morning and I’m super anxious about the results. 
ive been pottering around the house doing random little jobs that have been needing to be done the rest of the day. 

how are you doing? I’m so sorry I have not been very present the last week. But you haven’t been far from my thoughts.